disorder is harmony not understood.

it's been way too long. this is almost sinful.

this is the story of girl.

who cried a river and downed the whole world.

while she looked so sad is photographs, 

i absolutely love her,

when she smiles.

and scars are souvenirs you'll have forever.

the finite in annihilated in the presence of the infinite and becomes pure nothingness.

these are random quotes to be expanded on later. when my life waits for me to catch up.

some mad hope

i haven't been this upset in a long time. it's over something incedibly stupid. so stupid, in fact, i am having trouble spelling. feeling sick to my stomach.

i dont get motion sickness. i get emotion sickness.

whenever i get angry, i get a nice side order of stomach ache. great bonus, eh?

(do canadians think americans saying "huh?" is as cute as americans think canadians saying "eh?" is? i somehow find it unlikely. i guess americans dont really do cute).

anyway, we got into an agruement: topic irrelevent. this time amplified from the typical tiffs. so significant that phase a was followed with a 2-hour mutual silent treatment. afterwhich, we exploded into another bash, followed by another silent treatment.

both silences broken by him. score! point goes to team whitney.

mature fighting tactics also earn point for the female portion of this act. phrases that begin with "i feel" or "i think" tend to be less offensive than acusing "you" statements. on the same note, points deducted from team ass hole for the phrase, "but you aren't going to make that much."

and here i find myself still defending my position.

unfinished business? yes.
unhealthy? yes.
sexual tension? absolutely.

60 seconds of bliss.

the dissadvantages of sitting next to the watercooler:

• people sneak up unexpectedly and send me into a slight state of shock every 2-3 minutes.
• it makes it ridiculously hard to do things such as blog, stalk john mayer, memorize weather patterns accross the earth, etc. since i should be working and they get a perfect view of my dissobedience medium-- the computer.
• just when i think someone is b-lining it to quench their thirst, they show up at my desk, expecting something, sending me into a frenzy.
• three words: awkward eye contact.
• people like to start conversations with me. sometimes welcome, sometimes interesting, but always socially awkward, seeing as engineers do not have conversations without the support of a keyboard and monitor, a stereotype i fit nicely into.
• distractions-- it doesnt help that a squirrel has better focus than me...ooo, shiny!

this had been your 60 seconds in bliss.

over and out.

he's out there. he's just learning what to contrast you against.

oh, how i long for the romantic stylings of john mayer to be my reality.



i know he's out there. and i'm convinced i havent met him yet. no, not john mayer. my soulmate. however i wouldnt be complaining if those two happened to be the same person. I've met nice guys. i've met bad boys. i've met ass holes. i've met them all. but how will i know which one is him? what if i met him in a sandbox? what if i passed him on a sidewalk? john brings up all these relevent questions to my life.



i'm glad we have each other as we search, sometimes to our own detrement, for our soulmates.



on top of all this, john mayer makes me laugh. "'the disease that never goes unnoticed,' that's the new catch phrase for turrets. You ever notice that we don't have turrets awareness month? Oh, we know."



it's hard to find someone when i have to compare them to that. i had a dream that i was in love. i didnt say it. neither did he. i dont even know who he was. but he leaned in to kiss me. and he faked a middle school make out. and i laughed. harder than i have in a long time. and thats when i knew. do you think it was him? do you think i saw him in my dream before i've even met him? maybe so. i guess we'll find out. but when i woke up, i felt it again; love.



so i am just going to take some time to equate myself on your embarassment scale:

i'm at work. i listen to music online with my headphones. very quality headphones, might i add. so a new song comes on, a duet between our beloved john and glen phillips (yeah, i dont know who he is either). it's live. which i fail to comprehend for a good thirty seconds. i hear talking and automatically attribute the voices to others in a nearby cubicle. here comes the big one: someone gives a hoot and i quickly whip around to see who in world just whistled at me. LUCKILY no one saw because NO ONE WAS THERE. the voices were coming from the track. even as i type this, i am having trouble differentiating between real noises and those in my head. send that line to my therapist.

a collection of words

A,

Congratulations on being valedictorian. Even though the school won’t recognize it because of Ms. Murder (may she never become a Mrs. to keep her from all happiness), I recognize all of your hard work. I tried to handwrite your name under valedictorian in as many programs as I could but then Ms. Murder came after me with a knife (well, maybe that’s a lie, but hopefully you’ll keep this letter for a long time. I have this little spark of hope that looking back at it when you’re old, you’ll believe that story). Anyway, I hope you followed all of that.
I am writing you this letter to tell you that you will never be the same person that you were before you walked across that stage (or astroturf field in this case). Suddenly, things you cared so strongly about and drama that kept you up at night no longer matters. In fact, the further away you get from that graduation cap and gown, the less you’ll be able to remember the bad experiences, let alone the reasons behind them. You won’t remember the quarrels. Or the last time you cried. But you will remember the good times. You’ll remember driving all alone with the windows down and John’s voice complimenting the sunshine beaming down on your warm skin. Those moments where if you had to share them with anyone else, they wouldn’t be nearly as great.
However, you already know all of this. What you don’t know is that I admire you with everything I have. I only wish I could be as strong and confident as you seem to be. I wish I could laugh as loudly. I wish I could say what I meant. I wish I could tell a guy to kiss me. TELL being the key word in that sentence. What I really wish I had was your passion for life. Never, ever lose that. Or I might have to kill you.
I am so glad that we became such close friends. Who knew that I would ever hang out with the girl who cut her dolls? Even after she hit me in the face with a rake… bitch. I love that we may not talk every day or get to see each other very often but still pick up right where we left off every time were together. I never laugh so much around anyone else (perhaps why I haven’t met my soulmate). And no one else laughs as much at my jokes.
And now that I have an entire year of college under my belt and badass points for being non-Mormon for about three years longer than you, I will dispense my advice. Do not get caught up in the returned missionary whirlwind. I forbid you to date….okay, I know that’s never going to happen. Slut. Anyway, I know Mormon boys are nice. And smooth. But just remember, (and I know you already know this) you may be committed to this person for your entire life. While I would be fine getting married right out of college and being a stay at home wife, you have drive, ambition, POTENTIAL that is not meant to be wasted “rearing” children. Just leave the rearing to Brennen.
Do not settle. Not only with boys, but with friends also. Don’t force yourself to put up with a Rose when you’re better off by yourself. Surround yourself with people who are understanding and more so, accepting of your sexual desires. A friend who judges you based on your decisions is no friend at all.
W.W.M.M.D. What would Mrs. McCusker do? That should be our new motto in life. Mrs. McCusker was a great teacher because she saw the big picture. She didn’t give Bs in Editor’s Seminar. She never made a permanent judgment on anyone. No matter what wrong you committed, you could earn yourself a clean slate. What goes around comes around, and now, Mrs. McC is relaxing in her garden happily reading a book and drinking tea. Satisfaction and happiness comes to those who treat others kindly and it’s an example I am trying to follow in her path. If all goes as planned, thirty years down the road, Ms. Murder will be fat, bitter, out of work, and alone, eating top ramen in a rotting lazy boy watching the Jerry Springer Show (god forbid it ever go off the air).
Anyway, the reason for this letter is the potential of me not having a gift for you. You graduate in 26 hours and 31 minutes and I have no gift for you and no dolla dolla bills. You bought the damn planner I was going to give to you. So maybe, just maybe, I’ll get the chance to get you an extravagant gift between the time I get my paycheck tomorrow and the time you walk across that stage (hopefully in the sunlight, not the rain). I’ll miss you but I know we’ll keep in touch. Now it is your turn to call and tell me all of the bad decisions you made the night before…or maybe not. But I do expect good stories. And lots of dates, knowing you. Enjoy college. It will be the most fun four years of your life where you’ll find friendships that will last forever, a man you’re stuck with for eternity, and knowledge you’ll never forget.

Love, yes, LOVE,

W

who knew you could make a sound that would make all of my problems go away.

there are those songs. you hear them and you wonder how you ever felt angry or sad or lonely. or you wonder why those were ever bad emotions to feel.

you hear these songs and you suddenly feel content. at peace. for a moment, the crazy world around you slows to a halt. you are neither in control nor powerless. you simply exist.

you are not hot. you are not cold. not that you would be able to feel those things any way.

you arent necessarily happy. but you know everything is going to be okay. and you're petty worries drift out the open window as you entertwine your fingers in the warm air flowing by.

you wonder how you've ever felt any other way.

hey now, we're just bleeding for nothing.
it's hard to breathe when you're standing here on your own.

i just told you i was leaving. and i did for a minute. but i really just didnt want to talk to you anymore. and then you left. and i came back. i was so mad at you. at least i thought i was. but you want to know my real emotions? yes, i have them. i was hurt. you dont think your going to find anyone. but i will do in the meantime? dont use me. i am just your friend. at least i was. i dont know what i am now.

you have no right to get mad when i tell you about my guy situation when i have to listen to you whine about her and indirectly shoot arrows at my heart.

so for now i will just go back to my music. the song that tells me everything is and will always be okay.

the end.

abovetherim4040 (11:22:10 PM): anyways.... im drunk
whitneyquitney (11:22:20 PM): fabulous
whitneyquitney (11:22:35 PM): so tell me your deepest darkest secrets
abovetherim4040 (11:23:20 PM): my ex and all her friends know we hooked up
abovetherim4040 (11:23:35 PM): thats my secret
whitneyquitney (11:24:04 PM): you and...
abovetherim4040 (11:24:15 PM): you
whitneyquitney (11:24:21 PM): oh
whitneyquitney (11:24:30 PM): did you tell them?
abovetherim4040 (11:25:23 PM): no
whitneyquitney (11:25:24 PM): like in the recent past...or a long time ago?
abovetherim4040 (11:25:27 PM): recent
whitneyquitney (11:25:31 PM): then how do they know?
whitneyquitney (11:25:59 PM): bad news bears
abovetherim4040 (11:25:59 PM): i really dont know but she found out
abovetherim4040 (11:26:19 PM): yeah such a guilt trip
whitneyquitney (11:27:02 PM): yeah...
whitneyquitney (11:27:41 PM): sucky
whitneyquitney (11:27:45 PM): for you
abovetherim4040 (11:27:45 PM): yeah i never would have told you that but im drunk
abovetherim4040 (11:27:48 PM): thanks
whitneyquitney (11:27:56 PM): well thanks for telling me
abovetherim4040 (11:28:09 PM): do you feel bad now
abovetherim4040 (11:28:14 PM): if you do, sorry
whitneyquitney (11:29:15 PM): um yeah, i feel sorry for you in your awkward situation
abovetherim4040 (11:30:00 PM): no our unexistant relationship is slowly fading away
abovetherim4040 (11:30:03 PM): but i blame myself
whitneyquitney (11:30:25 PM): nonexistant? with gina?
whitneyquitney (11:30:33 PM): what do you mean you blame your self
abovetherim4040 (11:30:37 PM): well we werent together
abovetherim4040 (11:30:45 PM): i feel like i let her get away i guess
whitneyquitney (11:30:46 PM): yeah...
whitneyquitney (11:31:05 PM): then why dont you tell her that
abovetherim4040 (11:32:25 PM): i do, but i think she just thinks its hopeless because we'll never see eachother
whitneyquitney (11:33:41 PM): is she living in san diego yet?
abovetherim4040 (11:34:26 PM): no but shes living in st louis this summer
whitneyquitney (11:34:46 PM): ew
abovetherim4040 (11:35:15 PM): really
whitneyquitney (11:35:30 PM): you know, if its going to workout, it will works itself out
whitneyquitney (11:35:48 PM): just cause it doesnt work right now doesnt mean it wont later on
abovetherim4040 (11:36:24 PM): yeah but this is like the only time where i feel like she is truely trying to move on with her life
whitneyquitney (11:36:51 PM): move on from you
whitneyquitney (11:36:53 PM): ?
abovetherim4040 (11:37:04 PM): yuuup
whitneyquitney (11:37:09 PM):
abovetherim4040 (11:37:13 PM): and with life
whitneyquitney (11:37:47 PM): you cant expect things to be the same way they were in high school
abovetherim4040 (11:38:40 PM): i guess i just dont see myself meeting anyone
whitneyquitney (11:39:21 PM): ever?
abovetherim4040 (11:40:03 PM): idk, just the way things are going
whitneyquitney (11:40:43 PM): yeah i have thought that for the past two years...
abovetherim4040 (11:41:24 PM):
whitneyquitney (11:41:39 PM): but i am not being all depressed about it...
abovetherim4040 (11:41:40 PM): whyyyyyyyy
abovetherim4040 (11:41:48 PM):
whitneyquitney (11:42:26 PM): with exception to patrick, i just havent felt strongly about anyone...
abovetherim4040 (11:42:48 PM): so you felt strongly about pat huh
whitneyquitney (11:42:58 PM): yeah, blew that one
abovetherim4040 (11:43:35 PM): yeah hes a good guy
whitneyquitney (11:44:17 PM): yeah...i actually have you partially to thank for ending that one
abovetherim4040 (11:44:29 PM): because...
whitneyquitney (11:45:34 PM): he kept saying he thought we had a thing and i kept denying it. and i think i made him think i wasnt interested....and then i invited you to formal
abovetherim4040 (11:46:06 PM): oh i seee how its my fault
whitneyquitney (11:46:15 PM): i didnt say that
abovetherim4040 (11:46:39 PM): i mean basically
whitneyquitney (11:46:55 PM): no it wasnt your fault
whitneyquitney (11:47:26 PM): it ended because he was graduating, us being friends just helped the situation
whitneyquitney (11:48:33 PM): ...
abovetherim4040 (11:48:38 PM): sweet
abovetherim4040 (11:48:42 PM): ?
whitneyquitney (11:49:01 PM): i just wanted you to acknowledge the fact that i wasnt blaming it on you
abovetherim4040 (11:49:09 PM): cool?
whitneyquitney (11:49:16 PM): okay whatever
abovetherim4040 (11:50:29 PM): fjak'shfba
abovetherim4040 (11:50:29 PM): sognaslkvna
abovetherim4040 (11:50:30 PM): sgnasga
abovetherim4040 (11:50:30 PM): sgabsg
abovetherim4040 (11:50:31 PM): asf
abovetherim4040 (11:50:31 PM): asgfas
abovetherim4040 (11:50:32 PM): asfasfw
abovetherim4040 (11:51:57 PM): i miss stuff
whitneyquitney (11:52:05 PM): like?
abovetherim4040 (11:53:04 PM): her

why do you torture me? you're an ass hole.

stalker feed.

i went to your page to tell you about the bumper sticker i had found that would make us both laugh on the inside. but the damn bumper sticker app wasnt working. so i found myself there, yes, being a stalker, looking at your pictures. pictures other people had posted of you. and there they were: you with girl #1, you with more serious girl #2, oh, and then plenty with annoying miss #3.

and i remember why we were always just friends. i click home. leaving no evidence i was ever there.

here's the truth: i like you. i like you a lot. i actually truly have feelings for you. you are not the 5-minute fling with some older man. you are not the emotionless hook-up with the mysterious young lad. you are not the one i make-out with as we dance. in fact, i tried very hard to avoid that with you.

but i can never be with you. i will never try to be with you. i will never tell you how i feel. why? those pictures. you will always have girl #1 through infinity at your right arm. hanging on to your every word. and i cant flirt with you. because that is not what i want from you.

i want to be friends. and friends alone. we dont talk about the serious stuff. politics. life. whether or not we really exist.

we are starting to. talk more. about things like love. and emotions. and feelings. and you want me to share mine to you. you keep prying. and i think you want me to tell you. but i can't. i cannot get up the courage to compete with girl #1 through infinity. i am not "flirtacious and cute" (yes, with a 'c').

i dont want you. you are bad for me. and why now? have you already gone through all the other girls?

i'd rather cringe as you tell me your girl troubles for a million years. than try this out. this you and me. and have it not work out. we arent on the same page. WE ARENT EVEN IN THE SAME BOOK.

and you can council me all you want.

im mad at you for kissing me that night. did you think i expected that? i didnt. and believe me, contrary to what you might think, i didnt want it. have you used that move on many other girls? girls #1 through infinity? well, you like to deny #3, but i dont believe it.

more on this later.

and this is what he wrote to me:

The best thing you can find in someone is chemistry. Just, things that click. You say something subtly funny in a group, and that other person looks at you with a shine in their eye. You know they really understand. Even if other people laugh, you know that one other person not only gets the humor, but also the intention.I think that's what I miss the most. Even if I don't see you for months, we hang out one time and we just click. I feel like I can be myself, without facade. I really just like the way I feel when you're around, ya know?Somewhere beyond ex-best friends. That connection is what I miss the most. Even though we've both changed I think we'd still have it.Sometimes I wonder if we are still meant to be. In a wondering way, not in a necessarily hoping way. Just like, what if that is how things worked themselves out. It would be cool. Something to write home about.I like feeling comfortable. The way that without meaning to, we just fall into that flirtatious, sarcastic, "best-friend" groove.It's cool. I wish we could do it more often.Heh.

I don't know what I feel. I do miss you. I miss hanging out with you. I miss making you smile, whiping your tears.Do I miss BEING with you? No. You don't either. I know it, you know it. We both fucked up, and fucked each other up.I know I wasn't there for you when I needed to be, when you needed me the most. You have NO idea how sorry I am for that. I will always regret it.Am I regretting how things are now? Not exactly. I'm regretting how things have to be. That there will never be that possibility. Or if there is, I don't know it exists.Am I OVER you? No, hah. Not for a long time to go. I still have dreams about you. And when I say still, I mean pretty much every time after we talk. Not "bad" dreams, just dreams. Like, hanging out laughing dreams. Like, you taking care of me when I feel like shit dreams.I still love you, but I'm not in love with you. I'll never say "I love you," in any seriousness. At least not until you say it first, which you won't. Ever. And I respect that.But before you try to say I haven't changed. You don't know me any more. I don't know you, or at least not like I used to. I am a very different creature than the one I used to be. You're a big part of that. I'm a big part of that. WE are a big part of that.And I'm mostly okay with it. There are things I still hate about myself. Things I don't know how to change, or delete. Things that scare me. Things that scare the SHIT out of me.I still have scars. Maybe some aren't as deep as yours, maybe some are deeper. I can't forgive myself, still. Can you believe that? Not even like a getting over it forgiveness. Like, I don't see myself ever forgiving myself. And, myself, I'm scared. Shmehh.

and i can hear him saying this. i can hear him and i dont know what to think. and he named it after our song. not our song. but the one we both knew by heart and shared. and just understood.

i will be the one who breaks your heart.

damn you and my stupid addiction.

i knew this was going to happen. now i want you. before i didnt. i want to lay next to you again. i want to warm my fingers on your bare skin. they're cold. i'm cold. and now the only way i know how to get warm is to be wrapped in your arms.

and i want to tell you about me.

i knew this would be a problem as soon as you put your arm around me on the bus that night. i was going to stop it. it was a part of the plan.

but now thats a sunk cost. i missed my oppurtunity. and when you asked me what was wrong. i should have told you. but im not very good at sharing my feelings. and then i fell asleep. thats the unfortunate part of being mindfucked at 7:30 am.

so now it is my turn to mindfuck you. and i will. i will drag you on. lead you on. i will do it and you wont know what hit you. and ill have you on a leash....ill just need to make sure that leash isnt attached to my neck too.

and then ill drop you. and youll be completely lost.

...or at least thats the plan.

sorry, i'm not prepared to handle your mind fuck.

i can't handle you. i knew i should have stopped it. i didnt want it to happen because i knew it would lead to this. me. being completely messed up. spacing out in class. walking slowly. being oblivious to all else in the world. not caring about things that would normally mean everything.

and messing up us. us, being the state we had finally reached where we dont argue or judge. and that point where i finally didnt care anymore.

this is what i meant to say. but it didnt come out. between the kissing and the cuddling. and i think it couldnt escape because i have been craving the comfort of being held for so long now. and not being held like i was a few weeks ago. or friday night. but the kind of being held where the person really knows who you are. and cares about you. and your well being. and so the words, these crucial words, were bound inside me. i dont think they ever had the chance.

"i dont think i can do this. i'm not sure i want things to change. i dont want to mess this up. what we have is amazing. this friendship. this strange understanding. and if this is just going to be a one time thing. if i am your rebound girl. this can't happen. its either all or nothing."

all or nothing. and right now, the plan is nothing.

family is just a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

this is a compilation of all the blogs i started but never finished or posted.


FREE FALLING. 5:32 PM.

i am here. in the calm before the storm.

and i am asking you to hold my hand.

i hope your shower was amiable. and i hope you dont get too down on your self. because you are great. and i wish i had someone as great as you. i dont know anyone who can hold up to your standards. but you've encouraged me to wait it out. i'm not settling for anything less.

i'm not here to get treated like a piece of ass. there is a huge difference between that and the dominant male thing i occasionally find appealing. and its unfortunant what it took for me to realize this.

SCREW YOU AND YOUR FALSE SENSE OF MISFORTUNE.

come crash into me.

i need some shock.

if i'm left here like this alone for much longer. there is no telling what might turn up. i need you to tell me what i am doing wrong. i need you bring me back to reality. i need you to make me vulnerable. i need you to break me.

and i think college has only solidified this state. this independence. this non-dependence. this non-reliance.

people think growing up means taking care of yourself. relying on yourself. taking care of your own problems. but really aren't you just transfering your support system from your parents to someone else of significance? a roommate? a boyfriend?

and so i sit here. in the peaceful blue of the morning. with no lights on.

SO I WAS IMPRESSED...UNTIL I REALIZED A MAJORITY OF MY READERS WERE MYSELF.

dude. i'm on a dude ban.

in multiple respects.

things i need to work on:

a) attempt to sound less west-coast-middle-schooler and quit saying dude before everything i say.

b) not care about dudes (which contradicts flaw "a" but is seemingly appropriate at the same time).

basically i am doing away with all forms of dude. and i'm going to need your support through this difficult time in my life. please dont hate.

my transition to womanhood.

i laid there. still as i could. only moving my eyes, trying not to wake the body beside me. i looked at the hair on his chest. a sight that i normally found revolting. but not today. not on him. i looked up at the scruff on his face.

all i could think was, "i am sleeping with a man."

which turned into, "i'm an adult."

which quickly led to, "fuck."

i heard john saying, by the time i recognize this moment, this moment will be gone. but i recognized it right away.

and in attempt to conserve details...i like this womanhood thing.

the beginning of this year? i call that experimentation.

and i think i went through that phase abnormally quickly. i mean considering three quarters on the greek male population wont get over it for another four years. that "random dancing/making out -- oh wait, whats your name again" thing.

but i am scared to get past this stage. because if i am not flying through a long list. and hitting it and quitting it. i am making myself vulnerable to rejection. and that's a risk i cannot take.

i mean i already got rejected from your society. and rejected from your scholarship. and rejected from your school. all without a second thought. or the blink of an eye. but if i get the next rejection that may or may not be coming my way, I'm not sure i will be able to handle the weight.

i was so used to being welcomed. embraced. for my acheivements. and now i am back to average. and not neccesarily backward. but just downward from where i have always been.

this womanhood thing. it's going to take some adjusting.

the last of its kind.

EIGHT Lasts
1. Last cigarette: never bitches.
2. Last beverage: water, cubed iced.
3. Last phone call: amber, 8:26pm, called in the middle of Dan in Real Life
4. Last text message: Megan Foster, under the influence.
5. Last CD played: my "new stuff" mix, probably goo goo dolls
6. Last bubble bath: probably years ago, i can't remember. which is sad considering we have a jacuzzi (forgive my spelling) tub with a giant TV right in front of it.
7. Last time you cried: also, can't remember. have i cried yet this year? i think i documented the last time in a blog.
8. Last meal: dinner, ate four slices of pizza, only to be outdone by the spence-meister

EIGHT Have You’s
1. Have you ever dated someone twice? ehh, sort of.
2. Have you ever been cheated on? not that i am aware of.
3. Have you ever bought condoms? fo 'shizzle. girls get bored okay. we make balloon art.
4. Have you ever kissed someone & regreted it? never. well...no. no regrets.
5. Have you ever fallen in love? er, yeah.
6. Have you ever lost someone? yes.
7. Have you ever been depressed? i guess.
8. Have you ever been drunk and thrown up? hells no. i have a stomach of steel.

Name SIX things you did in the past three days
1.Went to the SUNNY beach
2. Went DANCING!!!
3. Saw high school friends
4. Threw up for the first time since middle school.
5. became the baby-wisperer.
6. witnessed the most annoying voiced woman in the world.

List THREE people you can tell pretty much anything to
1. Manber
2. Lindsey lou
3. i'm not much of a talker... maybe i'd tell you...

List THREE favorite colors
1. Purple
2. Blue
3. Silver

SO FAR IN 07′…
Been to school - i like to call it hell
Made a new friend- Lots, it's college
Fallen out of love - that was pre-07
Done something you swore never to do - no, i pretty much have set decently low standards for myself in life.
Laughed until you cried - definitely
Went behind your parents back - yeah, but they find out about everything anyway. it's more me just doing what i want and then telling them....i'm kind of stubborn/independent/rebellious
Met someone who changed your life - i think everyone i have met in the past year will have changed my life in one way or another.
Gotten close to someone - danka!
Found out who your true friends were - definitely

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF……
1. Bush? meh.
2. Gay Marriage? do what you want, let other people do what they want.
4. Straight, Gay, Bi? Whatever
5. Do you have a crush? i wouldn't say i am the "crush" type, but i wish i was.
6. Who is the best hugger that you know? well, charles is the most frequent.
7. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes, but i don't think people pursue it as often as they should.
8. Is there something you want to tell someone? always
9. What brand of shirt are you wearing? dont know the brand but it is Brown and Caldwell. BC woot woot!
10. Have you ever kissed someone on your top friends? that would be difficult considering my lack of top friends.
11. Do you have “A thing” for anyone on your top friends? a thing for myself maybe.
12. How many people on your top friends? is it really kind to rank you friends? i think not. it only asks for drama.
13. How many kids do you want to have? 1, but my mind isnt set in stone.
14. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah
15. Do you wanna change your name? No, I like for people to think i am black.
16. What did you do for your last birthday? oh, if only i knew. the rest of it was spent with my fam. I think i saw PS i love you.
17. What time did you wake up today? well, i woke up about 5 times, compliments of jack clayton judy.
18. What were you doing at midnight last night? Spooning Jack. haha. sounds far less innocent than it was.
19. Name something you CANNOT wait to do: fall in love again. be in college forever.
20. Last time you saw your dad? when he walked past my bathroom as i scrubbed my brothers toothpaste out of my sink.
21. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself? self-discipline.
22. Which hand do you like better? left, because it does less and has two big freckles on my ring finger.
23. What are you listening to right now? footsteps walking to my room, coming to tell me to go to bed because i have to get for my flight tomorrow.
24. Have you ever talked to Tom? oh yeah, we go way back.
25. Have you ever donated money to a good cause? i'm selfish but yes.
26. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? unfortunately, yes. take it back though.
27. Least favorite month? i heart all months equally. maybe november?
28. What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? nikki's hat to cover my awful hair this morning.
29. Who’s getting on your nerves right now? errrrbody in pittsburgh with a car who isnt picking me up at the airport tomorrow.
30. Most visited webpage? Facebook, andrew mail.
31. Would you help your best friend fight if he/she is losing? are you kidding? i'd do anything for an excuse to punch something. (i've never done it before, no i dont have aggression issues).
32. Coke or Pepsi? how about no pop at all?
33. What’s the worst day of your life? march something, 2005
34. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week? No, i think it has been two weeks. how tragic. i'm a raging whore.
35. Do you disagree with a lot of things going on in the world? no. except i think people need to recylce more. it's so easy!!! dont be lazy.
36. Do you think there’s some models/people out there, that should lose a few pounds? dont worry, be happy.

someday, someone will come into your life and you'll realize why it never worked out with any one else.

(i turned on the emo music to get me in the mood for this one).

i am ready to fall in love.

i dont know if it will happen with him. i mean, how could i? we've only had two measily, slightly embarrassing excursions. both lacking action. both subject to my lack of flirty ability. i dont know if its there. but i want to it be.

and thats what scares me. am i trying to convince myself that i like him? am i just crushing because he's older? (which i have found to be a complete and utter turn-on. don't ask me why). or am i crushing because he is the first guy to actually try to get to know me before he tries to bed me? or maybe the fact that he hasn't tried to get in my pants.

but i find him intruiging. and i am crushing. hardcore.

it may not be head over heels. or that cant-breath, cant-sleep, cant-eat, cant-focus kind of love. but i could be.

and i find myself reconsidering everything i say. everything i wear. everything i eat. and i'll put on a something cute, just in case, by chance, this will be the first time i ever run into him on campus.

so is this what it is like to have emotions?

i'm scared to see what happens when we get back. when i get back. will he call? will he still be interested? was i too boring?

these questions are absolutely killing me.

i find it absolutely amazing how two incredibly uneventful evenings with this fellow has caused for all other prospects to immediately escape my mind.

and you know he is perfect for me right. he plays just the kind of game that keeps me engaged. he was aggressive. he asked me out. and then waited for me to be the one to give in and respond first. then he asked me to go out again. and was completely casual. i mean nothing gets more casual than a good trip to home depot.

and then he waits. he does nothing. and i am going absolutely crazy. it's not my turn to give in. but i know i will because i have already planned my next attempt at communication. how pitiful is that???

i'm pitiful. and i have this middle school crush on the high school hottie. except this time, he's paying attention...

even though john is telling me to "say what i need to say" i'm afraid "my stupid mouth will get me in trouble." and at this point i am having trouble putting my EMOTIONS into words.

a philosophical conversation on shitting.

lilfu23 (1:10:45 AM): you don't poop?
whitneyquitney (1:11:23 AM): nope never
lilfu23 (1:11:28 AM): sweet
whitneyquitney (1:11:42 AM): i know. it works out in my favor
lilfu23 (1:11:44 AM): that's good cuz we discussed it and we came to the conclusion that you'd hate pooping anyway
whitneyquitney (1:11:48 AM): hahah
lilfu23 (1:11:49 AM): exactly!
whitneyquitney (1:11:56 AM): what was your reasoning?
lilfu23 (1:12:08 AM): there really was none
lilfu23 (1:12:24 AM): we figured you were a love-it-hate-it kinda girl
lilfu23 (1:12:38 AM): so we decided you'd hate pooping
whitneyquitney (1:12:53 AM): you guys were probably just like "whitney is kinda anal (pun intended) so i doubt she would like pooping"
lilfu23 (1:13:08 AM): hahaha yeaa
whitneyquitney (1:13:45 AM): i guess some poops are more pleasant than others
lilfu23 (1:13:57 AM): definitely
whitneyquitney (1:14:16 AM): so i guess i do love some and hate some
lilfu23 (1:14:21 AM): it sucks when you have to push real hard
whitneyquitney (1:14:28 AM): hahahaha
whitneyquitney (1:14:29 AM): agreed
lilfu23 (1:16:23 AM): whitneyyyyyyyy
whitneyquitney (1:16:50 AM): whattttttt?
lilfu23 (1:17:03 AM): pooop
lilfu23 (1:17:41 AM): whitney go poop
whitneyquitney (1:17:44 AM): ppppppppppppooooooooooooopppp
lilfu23 (1:17:57 AM): its ann
whitneyquitney (1:17:57 AM): sorry i am running on empty right now.


you begged for a blog. this is what you get.

and i've lost sense of confidence, knowing that mike orsolini is #5 most desirable in his network...my network.

it's different when you're in college, you know?

these random acts of violence.

because I just can't imagine it happening to me...yet i find myself in the perfect location. and i wonder what i would do with my family across the country. and i wonder what would set someone off like that.

why would you kill someone you didnt know? are you that tortured by life? i wont pretend to think that "if only someone would have reached out to him, things would have been different." because i'm not sure it would have.

i understand wanting to die. i really do. but taking someone who wants to live with you? i dont understand that.

i understand just wanting to escape the pain. i really do. but it goes away. i promise.

and when it goes away, it will help. it will help you be happier than you ever imagined. it will help you appreciate everything you never noticed. and most of all it will make you a better person. because i am better than i ever was before.

to whom it may concern: i have this fear of letting you know i care.

dear [insert name here],

i am a chicken. a wimp. a pussy. call it what you want. but i have this raging, unwanted inhibition when it comes to telling people how i feel. maybe its a fear of rejection...or dissagreement...or even a single unpleasant thought.

and the more i like you (any person in general), the harder it is. the more inhibited i become. i start to conteplate every breath i take around you. unless you tell me you're into me. and i know it's a lot to ask considering it is likely i wont even reciprocate when you do.

so here i am. asking you. would you like to go on a date? i think i might like you.

I'M INTERESTED.

and just to give you a little incentive, when i really like someone, i swear i am the greatest girlfriend ever. great. and just as horny as you are.

will you reciprocate? all you have to do is tell me how you feel. you dont have to ask me to do things constantly. or be sweet.

please don't be sweet. tell me the truth. i'd prefer "i really like you. plus you're hot" over "you're so beautiful, you're perfect" anyday. because i am not perfect. and just because you say i am beautiful, doesnt me you really like me for me. because at some point, personality always overrides beauty. because "you're so beautiful" does not negate "i think you're really annoying."

so here you have it. my part apology, part confession, part asking you out, part explanation.

-whit

ps i will not tell you i love you. and i dont want to hear it from you either. that would take a few months if not years.

but i'd rather waste time and stay up late than be productive.

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:
1. i really hate that you waited till now to need me like i needed you.
2. i like you. as a friend. but if you wanted more i would be there in a heartbeat. and i hate it.
3. i dont like to be around you. actually i avoid it. and i dont know why.
4. i know i use you. but you're so easy to be around.
5. i have confidence around you because i know i've got you tied around my little finger.
6. i love you more than my life. my life. i mean it.
7. we get along so well it's crazy. and i really think you are the best roommate ever and i hope we're friends for life. but telling each other that kind of stuff isnt really our style. and thats how i like it.
8. SHUT THE TOILET LID!
9.I have so much respect for you for doing what you did. what i couldnt.
10. i'm glad your here to listen to me. and even though we dont talk on the phone that much, i get way more out of our friendship than any other. picture yourself two or three years ago. did you ever envision the amazing phenomenon that is our friendship? neither did i.

NINE things about yourself:
1. i have no emotions. and that seperates me from my gender.
2. and sometimes i wish i would.
3. the ONLY thing i will judge you for is the way you treat others.
4. otherwise i am the most liberal person around. sex, drugs, and rock and roll. do your thing. i dont mind.
5. i get annoyed way too easily by boys who try to court me. play hard to get. then i'll want some.
6. not sure why, but if you play the hard ass that is completely wrong for me, i'll fall in an instant.
7. sometimes i like to be treated like a piece of meat. enough said.
8. along with the emotions, i missed out on the flirting gene too.
9. i love college. more than life itself.

EIGHT turn-ons:
1. sneaking a kiss somewhere unexpected.
2. muscles. i dont deny my shallowness.
3. the guy everyone likes.
4. height. the taller the better.
5. being funny.
6. like i said. being manhandled.
7. smart. you HAVE to be intelligent. good thing i go to carnegie mellon. where i have the privilage of being the dumbest shit here.
8. people person. to make up for my lack social skills.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1.you, and your stupid attempts to get me back. after you were an ass for so many years.
2. how great my roommate is.
3. my lack of emotion.
4. you, unfortunantly.
5. concern about my once-great, now-terrible memory and worry that i will forget to do something.
6. nothing at all.
7. wondering if i'll ever feel the way i felt for you, except for someone else, ever again.

SIX things you wish you never did:
1. let you get away with being cheap.
2. made the decision that kept you from experiencing the world.
3. this is hard
4. because i
5. don't have
6. regrets

FIVE turn offs:
1. bad breathe
2. ignorance
3. people who are mean to others.
4. selfishness
5. scrawniness.

FOUR things you like:
1. chocolate and all of its relatives.
2. having friends. and being able to say hi to someone as i walk to class.
3. acceptance of others.
4. perfect days that aren't too hot or too cold. all you need is a light jacket. and there is a slight breeze. and the sun is beaming down. and your skin feels warm. and for once, you don't need anyone. because you're infinite.

THREE smiley faces [emoticons] that describe your life:
1. :)
2. :D
3. >:-(

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. fall in love again with someone who would do anything for me.
2. tell everyone i care about how much they mean to me.

ONE confession:
1. my confession? i am too pussy to confess a damn thing. damn stuborn cement veins.

greatness...

all. i see. are PORK SWORDS.

and i dont get how i can sit here and write things to you (not you, other you) and act like everything between us is okay. and i dont get how you can sit there and comprehend the things i say and do and not realize that its over.

"it" being that very short lived thing. that thing that i said i didnt want to be a relationship. that thing that you said "we'll just see where it goes." and i assumed we would. but you really meant "let's spend every waking moment together and talk twenty times a day."

dont get me wrong. some girls like that. but i'm not that type of girl. sometimes i even question the amount of estrogen inside of me. during those months i go without crying. i begin to think my heart is no longer pumping blood, but hardening cement into my veins. making a strong barrier to guard my vulnerability.

and it's not you (previous you) who i want to break it. in fact, you may have indirectly fed the poison to my vessels.

and everytime i talk to you (other you, undesired but effective). i can feel the sledgehammer slowly crumbling the concrete that guards my soul. and what sucks is that this sledging is unintentional.

had it in fact been intentional, it likely wouldnt have worked. because i only seem to like the unhealthy. the unintentional. and i think your looks may play a factor into that.

and to the old you. i heard our song today. one i dont hear much anymore. not our starting song. but our ending song. the one you left me with. that reminds me of the kiss i left you with. and i question who left who in that situation. and judging the current situation: i was definitely the leaver. and you, the leavee.

and i know i should reply to your inquiry but i dont know what to say. i have no idea. and despite the easy flow of our conversations, i am at a loss for words. and for that i am sorry.

and you, whom i have been neglecting. yes, you. we will go to europe. and believe me. it will be hard. resisting those jeans that cry to me. "whitney! buy me!" they will plead.

but i will resist. for you.

and we should start in italy. that way we can claim the most of our attention spans. we will have brief expendetures in rome and venice. and the travel to madrid, spain. where we will likely accomplish bucket list item: kiss foriegn boy. and then we'll leave those latin lovers in the dust on our way to paris. and we'll climb to the top (start exersizing now) of the eiffel tower and later examine the loure for hours.

and then we may be off to germany. and then london, a great place to end our adventure. where ambi will get drunk. and may we both go too far with a sexy english boy who's only intention is to take complete advantage of us. but will then fall in undeniable love. until we leave that is. then their only way to contact us until we return in the distant future is through long and intricate love letters. saying not the things you want to hear. but the things he really means.

and i'll leave you on that lovely thought, my dear.

because i miss you. and i wish you were here.

continued:

11. backpack through europe with amber. staying in only the crappiest of hotels and random people's residences. note to self: save money.

12. treat adults as peers and not be that shy nervous twat.

13. for once, feel as horny as amber sounds.

14. tell someone how i really feel. say what i need to say.

15. be completely open with my parents about everything.

16. learn to cook.

17. DATE.

18. get in amazing shape.

19. flirt without that wicked inhibition. that causes me not to flirt with anyone. if anyone else is in our presence.

20. have someone need me and not even realize that they mean everything to me. until it happens. and for once have that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing be true.

hamburger phones and stomach aches: music will you be my boyfriend too?

juno is awesome. but i dont need to tell you that. i wish i could be more like her. you know. funny. strong. passionate.

but instead i sit here, cowardly typing nonsense on my ergonomically correct keyboard. lazily completing unimpressive spreadsheets and hastily repeating the fold and stuff motion of filing.

this is my job. my life. not that i spend every waking hour here. hardly. but i seem to spend every waking minute preparing to eventually be here. in tip-top shape. prestine condition. the best-of-the-best.

and why? so that one day there may be hope that i wont focus every waking moment on preparing for the future. so that one day, likely old and frail, i'll have the time and resources to do everything i've ever wished to...but wont have the physical ability to do so.

and so, in my tribute to john, i shall create my own bucket list. the things i'll do before i am no longer able to. and this list will be achievable. because being true to my capricorn roots: i dont set goals i cant reach.

in no particular order, i will now proceed to make yet another list of things i will prepare for:

1. climb to the top of the eiffel tower.

2. go to the louve. (please pardon spelling errors.)

3. live in london for a few months.

4. live in NYC for a few months.

5. Kiss a foriegn boy. (and enjoy it.)

6. see the pyramids. (and take one of those pictures where it looks like i am squishing it between my fingers.

7. design my own home. (or at least a tree house or something.)

8. write something important.

9. do something unheard of.

10. punch someone in the face. (how rad does that sound?)

tis all for now my friend. must return to ass-kicking work. will continue in supplemental expressions of thy inner thoughts.

i am sacrificing sleep for this. how dare you with hold pictures for blogs. thats like with holding sex from john mayer.

this is for you. yes, you. which, by the way, is my que to knwo you are talking about me.

and i got a response rather quickly. a nice one. one that restores my faith in the gentlemen species.

but still. i really need to stop these bad habits. really bad habits that i am not permitted to speak of on the world wide web.

although i might think some random person from new zealand is secretly dedicated to my bloig. (a typo that could possible be how they say blog in new zealand.) i doubt anyone besides you are considering i have like 60 views. which is lame considering my last one had over a thousand.

think about it. over a thousand people took interest in what i had to say. okay, well maybe like twenty people who looked at my blog a lot. but still. think of the power of this.

i could say AMBI IS A TOTAL WHORE. and even though it isnt completely true. people would believe me.

and thats scary.

to think my mistakes could very easily find themselves here for the world to see.

and speaking of the mistakes. i dont know if i would call them mistakes. but i feel like i am hurting myself with this lifestyle. somehow. i havent figured it out yet. but i think i am so immune to emotion that one day it will all come flooding back and i will have some huge break down...

mefmloefnioen. thats code for "i just pounded my fingers all over the keyboard out of frusteration because i want those pictures more than a one night stand with john mayer."

and it sounds crazy. but that is only because i would rather have many nights with john mayer.