i will be the one who breaks your heart.

damn you and my stupid addiction.

i knew this was going to happen. now i want you. before i didnt. i want to lay next to you again. i want to warm my fingers on your bare skin. they're cold. i'm cold. and now the only way i know how to get warm is to be wrapped in your arms.

and i want to tell you about me.

i knew this would be a problem as soon as you put your arm around me on the bus that night. i was going to stop it. it was a part of the plan.

but now thats a sunk cost. i missed my oppurtunity. and when you asked me what was wrong. i should have told you. but im not very good at sharing my feelings. and then i fell asleep. thats the unfortunate part of being mindfucked at 7:30 am.

so now it is my turn to mindfuck you. and i will. i will drag you on. lead you on. i will do it and you wont know what hit you. and ill have you on a leash....ill just need to make sure that leash isnt attached to my neck too.

and then ill drop you. and youll be completely lost.

...or at least thats the plan.

sorry, i'm not prepared to handle your mind fuck.

i can't handle you. i knew i should have stopped it. i didnt want it to happen because i knew it would lead to this. me. being completely messed up. spacing out in class. walking slowly. being oblivious to all else in the world. not caring about things that would normally mean everything.

and messing up us. us, being the state we had finally reached where we dont argue or judge. and that point where i finally didnt care anymore.

this is what i meant to say. but it didnt come out. between the kissing and the cuddling. and i think it couldnt escape because i have been craving the comfort of being held for so long now. and not being held like i was a few weeks ago. or friday night. but the kind of being held where the person really knows who you are. and cares about you. and your well being. and so the words, these crucial words, were bound inside me. i dont think they ever had the chance.

"i dont think i can do this. i'm not sure i want things to change. i dont want to mess this up. what we have is amazing. this friendship. this strange understanding. and if this is just going to be a one time thing. if i am your rebound girl. this can't happen. its either all or nothing."

all or nothing. and right now, the plan is nothing.