this is a compilation of all the blogs i started but never finished or posted.
FREE FALLING. 5:32 PM.
i am here. in the calm before the storm.
and i am asking you to hold my hand.
i hope your shower was amiable. and i hope you dont get too down on your self. because you are great. and i wish i had someone as great as you. i dont know anyone who can hold up to your standards. but you've encouraged me to wait it out. i'm not settling for anything less.
i'm not here to get treated like a piece of ass. there is a huge difference between that and the dominant male thing i occasionally find appealing. and its unfortunant what it took for me to realize this.
SCREW YOU AND YOUR FALSE SENSE OF MISFORTUNE.
come crash into me.
i need some shock.
if i'm left here like this alone for much longer. there is no telling what might turn up. i need you to tell me what i am doing wrong. i need you bring me back to reality. i need you to make me vulnerable. i need you to break me.
and i think college has only solidified this state. this independence. this non-dependence. this non-reliance.
people think growing up means taking care of yourself. relying on yourself. taking care of your own problems. but really aren't you just transfering your support system from your parents to someone else of significance? a roommate? a boyfriend?
and so i sit here. in the peaceful blue of the morning. with no lights on.
SO I WAS IMPRESSED...UNTIL I REALIZED A MAJORITY OF MY READERS WERE MYSELF.
dude. i'm on a dude ban.
in multiple respects.
things i need to work on:
a) attempt to sound less west-coast-middle-schooler and quit saying dude before everything i say.
b) not care about dudes (which contradicts flaw "a" but is seemingly appropriate at the same time).
basically i am doing away with all forms of dude. and i'm going to need your support through this difficult time in my life. please dont hate.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
my transition to womanhood.
i laid there. still as i could. only moving my eyes, trying not to wake the body beside me. i looked at the hair on his chest. a sight that i normally found revolting. but not today. not on him. i looked up at the scruff on his face.
all i could think was, "i am sleeping with a man."
which turned into, "i'm an adult."
which quickly led to, "fuck."
i heard john saying, by the time i recognize this moment, this moment will be gone. but i recognized it right away.
and in attempt to conserve details...i like this womanhood thing.
the beginning of this year? i call that experimentation.
and i think i went through that phase abnormally quickly. i mean considering three quarters on the greek male population wont get over it for another four years. that "random dancing/making out -- oh wait, whats your name again" thing.
but i am scared to get past this stage. because if i am not flying through a long list. and hitting it and quitting it. i am making myself vulnerable to rejection. and that's a risk i cannot take.
i mean i already got rejected from your society. and rejected from your scholarship. and rejected from your school. all without a second thought. or the blink of an eye. but if i get the next rejection that may or may not be coming my way, I'm not sure i will be able to handle the weight.
i was so used to being welcomed. embraced. for my acheivements. and now i am back to average. and not neccesarily backward. but just downward from where i have always been.
this womanhood thing. it's going to take some adjusting.
all i could think was, "i am sleeping with a man."
which turned into, "i'm an adult."
which quickly led to, "fuck."
i heard john saying, by the time i recognize this moment, this moment will be gone. but i recognized it right away.
and in attempt to conserve details...i like this womanhood thing.
the beginning of this year? i call that experimentation.
and i think i went through that phase abnormally quickly. i mean considering three quarters on the greek male population wont get over it for another four years. that "random dancing/making out -- oh wait, whats your name again" thing.
but i am scared to get past this stage. because if i am not flying through a long list. and hitting it and quitting it. i am making myself vulnerable to rejection. and that's a risk i cannot take.
i mean i already got rejected from your society. and rejected from your scholarship. and rejected from your school. all without a second thought. or the blink of an eye. but if i get the next rejection that may or may not be coming my way, I'm not sure i will be able to handle the weight.
i was so used to being welcomed. embraced. for my acheivements. and now i am back to average. and not neccesarily backward. but just downward from where i have always been.
this womanhood thing. it's going to take some adjusting.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
the last of its kind.
EIGHT Lasts
1. Last cigarette: never bitches.
2. Last beverage: water, cubed iced.
3. Last phone call: amber, 8:26pm, called in the middle of Dan in Real Life
4. Last text message: Megan Foster, under the influence.
5. Last CD played: my "new stuff" mix, probably goo goo dolls
6. Last bubble bath: probably years ago, i can't remember. which is sad considering we have a jacuzzi (forgive my spelling) tub with a giant TV right in front of it.
7. Last time you cried: also, can't remember. have i cried yet this year? i think i documented the last time in a blog.
8. Last meal: dinner, ate four slices of pizza, only to be outdone by the spence-meister
EIGHT Have You’s
1. Have you ever dated someone twice? ehh, sort of.
2. Have you ever been cheated on? not that i am aware of.
3. Have you ever bought condoms? fo 'shizzle. girls get bored okay. we make balloon art.
4. Have you ever kissed someone & regreted it? never. well...no. no regrets.
5. Have you ever fallen in love? er, yeah.
6. Have you ever lost someone? yes.
7. Have you ever been depressed? i guess.
8. Have you ever been drunk and thrown up? hells no. i have a stomach of steel.
Name SIX things you did in the past three days
1.Went to the SUNNY beach
2. Went DANCING!!!
3. Saw high school friends
4. Threw up for the first time since middle school.
5. became the baby-wisperer.
6. witnessed the most annoying voiced woman in the world.
List THREE people you can tell pretty much anything to
1. Manber
2. Lindsey lou
3. i'm not much of a talker... maybe i'd tell you...
List THREE favorite colors
1. Purple
2. Blue
3. Silver
SO FAR IN 07′…
Been to school - i like to call it hell
Made a new friend- Lots, it's college
Fallen out of love - that was pre-07
Done something you swore never to do - no, i pretty much have set decently low standards for myself in life.
Laughed until you cried - definitely
Went behind your parents back - yeah, but they find out about everything anyway. it's more me just doing what i want and then telling them....i'm kind of stubborn/independent/rebellious
Met someone who changed your life - i think everyone i have met in the past year will have changed my life in one way or another.
Gotten close to someone - danka!
Found out who your true friends were - definitely
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF……
1. Bush? meh.
2. Gay Marriage? do what you want, let other people do what they want.
4. Straight, Gay, Bi? Whatever
5. Do you have a crush? i wouldn't say i am the "crush" type, but i wish i was.
6. Who is the best hugger that you know? well, charles is the most frequent.
7. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes, but i don't think people pursue it as often as they should.
8. Is there something you want to tell someone? always
9. What brand of shirt are you wearing? dont know the brand but it is Brown and Caldwell. BC woot woot!
10. Have you ever kissed someone on your top friends? that would be difficult considering my lack of top friends.
11. Do you have “A thing” for anyone on your top friends? a thing for myself maybe.
12. How many people on your top friends? is it really kind to rank you friends? i think not. it only asks for drama.
13. How many kids do you want to have? 1, but my mind isnt set in stone.
14. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah
15. Do you wanna change your name? No, I like for people to think i am black.
16. What did you do for your last birthday? oh, if only i knew. the rest of it was spent with my fam. I think i saw PS i love you.
17. What time did you wake up today? well, i woke up about 5 times, compliments of jack clayton judy.
18. What were you doing at midnight last night? Spooning Jack. haha. sounds far less innocent than it was.
19. Name something you CANNOT wait to do: fall in love again. be in college forever.
20. Last time you saw your dad? when he walked past my bathroom as i scrubbed my brothers toothpaste out of my sink.
21. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself? self-discipline.
22. Which hand do you like better? left, because it does less and has two big freckles on my ring finger.
23. What are you listening to right now? footsteps walking to my room, coming to tell me to go to bed because i have to get for my flight tomorrow.
24. Have you ever talked to Tom? oh yeah, we go way back.
25. Have you ever donated money to a good cause? i'm selfish but yes.
26. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? unfortunately, yes. take it back though.
27. Least favorite month? i heart all months equally. maybe november?
28. What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? nikki's hat to cover my awful hair this morning.
29. Who’s getting on your nerves right now? errrrbody in pittsburgh with a car who isnt picking me up at the airport tomorrow.
30. Most visited webpage? Facebook, andrew mail.
31. Would you help your best friend fight if he/she is losing? are you kidding? i'd do anything for an excuse to punch something. (i've never done it before, no i dont have aggression issues).
32. Coke or Pepsi? how about no pop at all?
33. What’s the worst day of your life? march something, 2005
34. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week? No, i think it has been two weeks. how tragic. i'm a raging whore.
35. Do you disagree with a lot of things going on in the world? no. except i think people need to recylce more. it's so easy!!! dont be lazy.
36. Do you think there’s some models/people out there, that should lose a few pounds? dont worry, be happy.
1. Last cigarette: never bitches.
2. Last beverage: water, cubed iced.
3. Last phone call: amber, 8:26pm, called in the middle of Dan in Real Life
4. Last text message: Megan Foster, under the influence.
5. Last CD played: my "new stuff" mix, probably goo goo dolls
6. Last bubble bath: probably years ago, i can't remember. which is sad considering we have a jacuzzi (forgive my spelling) tub with a giant TV right in front of it.
7. Last time you cried: also, can't remember. have i cried yet this year? i think i documented the last time in a blog.
8. Last meal: dinner, ate four slices of pizza, only to be outdone by the spence-meister
EIGHT Have You’s
1. Have you ever dated someone twice? ehh, sort of.
2. Have you ever been cheated on? not that i am aware of.
3. Have you ever bought condoms? fo 'shizzle. girls get bored okay. we make balloon art.
4. Have you ever kissed someone & regreted it? never. well...no. no regrets.
5. Have you ever fallen in love? er, yeah.
6. Have you ever lost someone? yes.
7. Have you ever been depressed? i guess.
8. Have you ever been drunk and thrown up? hells no. i have a stomach of steel.
Name SIX things you did in the past three days
1.Went to the SUNNY beach
2. Went DANCING!!!
3. Saw high school friends
4. Threw up for the first time since middle school.
5. became the baby-wisperer.
6. witnessed the most annoying voiced woman in the world.
List THREE people you can tell pretty much anything to
1. Manber
2. Lindsey lou
3. i'm not much of a talker... maybe i'd tell you...
List THREE favorite colors
1. Purple
2. Blue
3. Silver
SO FAR IN 07′…
Been to school - i like to call it hell
Made a new friend- Lots, it's college
Fallen out of love - that was pre-07
Done something you swore never to do - no, i pretty much have set decently low standards for myself in life.
Laughed until you cried - definitely
Went behind your parents back - yeah, but they find out about everything anyway. it's more me just doing what i want and then telling them....i'm kind of stubborn/independent/rebellious
Met someone who changed your life - i think everyone i have met in the past year will have changed my life in one way or another.
Gotten close to someone - danka!
Found out who your true friends were - definitely
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF……
1. Bush? meh.
2. Gay Marriage? do what you want, let other people do what they want.
4. Straight, Gay, Bi? Whatever
5. Do you have a crush? i wouldn't say i am the "crush" type, but i wish i was.
6. Who is the best hugger that you know? well, charles is the most frequent.
7. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes, but i don't think people pursue it as often as they should.
8. Is there something you want to tell someone? always
9. What brand of shirt are you wearing? dont know the brand but it is Brown and Caldwell. BC woot woot!
10. Have you ever kissed someone on your top friends? that would be difficult considering my lack of top friends.
11. Do you have “A thing” for anyone on your top friends? a thing for myself maybe.
12. How many people on your top friends? is it really kind to rank you friends? i think not. it only asks for drama.
13. How many kids do you want to have? 1, but my mind isnt set in stone.
14. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah
15. Do you wanna change your name? No, I like for people to think i am black.
16. What did you do for your last birthday? oh, if only i knew. the rest of it was spent with my fam. I think i saw PS i love you.
17. What time did you wake up today? well, i woke up about 5 times, compliments of jack clayton judy.
18. What were you doing at midnight last night? Spooning Jack. haha. sounds far less innocent than it was.
19. Name something you CANNOT wait to do: fall in love again. be in college forever.
20. Last time you saw your dad? when he walked past my bathroom as i scrubbed my brothers toothpaste out of my sink.
21. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself? self-discipline.
22. Which hand do you like better? left, because it does less and has two big freckles on my ring finger.
23. What are you listening to right now? footsteps walking to my room, coming to tell me to go to bed because i have to get for my flight tomorrow.
24. Have you ever talked to Tom? oh yeah, we go way back.
25. Have you ever donated money to a good cause? i'm selfish but yes.
26. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? unfortunately, yes. take it back though.
27. Least favorite month? i heart all months equally. maybe november?
28. What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? nikki's hat to cover my awful hair this morning.
29. Who’s getting on your nerves right now? errrrbody in pittsburgh with a car who isnt picking me up at the airport tomorrow.
30. Most visited webpage? Facebook, andrew mail.
31. Would you help your best friend fight if he/she is losing? are you kidding? i'd do anything for an excuse to punch something. (i've never done it before, no i dont have aggression issues).
32. Coke or Pepsi? how about no pop at all?
33. What’s the worst day of your life? march something, 2005
34. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week? No, i think it has been two weeks. how tragic. i'm a raging whore.
35. Do you disagree with a lot of things going on in the world? no. except i think people need to recylce more. it's so easy!!! dont be lazy.
36. Do you think there’s some models/people out there, that should lose a few pounds? dont worry, be happy.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
someday, someone will come into your life and you'll realize why it never worked out with any one else.
(i turned on the emo music to get me in the mood for this one).
i am ready to fall in love.
i dont know if it will happen with him. i mean, how could i? we've only had two measily, slightly embarrassing excursions. both lacking action. both subject to my lack of flirty ability. i dont know if its there. but i want to it be.
and thats what scares me. am i trying to convince myself that i like him? am i just crushing because he's older? (which i have found to be a complete and utter turn-on. don't ask me why). or am i crushing because he is the first guy to actually try to get to know me before he tries to bed me? or maybe the fact that he hasn't tried to get in my pants.
but i find him intruiging. and i am crushing. hardcore.
it may not be head over heels. or that cant-breath, cant-sleep, cant-eat, cant-focus kind of love. but i could be.
and i find myself reconsidering everything i say. everything i wear. everything i eat. and i'll put on a something cute, just in case, by chance, this will be the first time i ever run into him on campus.
so is this what it is like to have emotions?
i'm scared to see what happens when we get back. when i get back. will he call? will he still be interested? was i too boring?
these questions are absolutely killing me.
i find it absolutely amazing how two incredibly uneventful evenings with this fellow has caused for all other prospects to immediately escape my mind.
and you know he is perfect for me right. he plays just the kind of game that keeps me engaged. he was aggressive. he asked me out. and then waited for me to be the one to give in and respond first. then he asked me to go out again. and was completely casual. i mean nothing gets more casual than a good trip to home depot.
and then he waits. he does nothing. and i am going absolutely crazy. it's not my turn to give in. but i know i will because i have already planned my next attempt at communication. how pitiful is that???
i'm pitiful. and i have this middle school crush on the high school hottie. except this time, he's paying attention...
even though john is telling me to "say what i need to say" i'm afraid "my stupid mouth will get me in trouble." and at this point i am having trouble putting my EMOTIONS into words.
i am ready to fall in love.
i dont know if it will happen with him. i mean, how could i? we've only had two measily, slightly embarrassing excursions. both lacking action. both subject to my lack of flirty ability. i dont know if its there. but i want to it be.
and thats what scares me. am i trying to convince myself that i like him? am i just crushing because he's older? (which i have found to be a complete and utter turn-on. don't ask me why). or am i crushing because he is the first guy to actually try to get to know me before he tries to bed me? or maybe the fact that he hasn't tried to get in my pants.
but i find him intruiging. and i am crushing. hardcore.
it may not be head over heels. or that cant-breath, cant-sleep, cant-eat, cant-focus kind of love. but i could be.
and i find myself reconsidering everything i say. everything i wear. everything i eat. and i'll put on a something cute, just in case, by chance, this will be the first time i ever run into him on campus.
so is this what it is like to have emotions?
i'm scared to see what happens when we get back. when i get back. will he call? will he still be interested? was i too boring?
these questions are absolutely killing me.
i find it absolutely amazing how two incredibly uneventful evenings with this fellow has caused for all other prospects to immediately escape my mind.
and you know he is perfect for me right. he plays just the kind of game that keeps me engaged. he was aggressive. he asked me out. and then waited for me to be the one to give in and respond first. then he asked me to go out again. and was completely casual. i mean nothing gets more casual than a good trip to home depot.
and then he waits. he does nothing. and i am going absolutely crazy. it's not my turn to give in. but i know i will because i have already planned my next attempt at communication. how pitiful is that???
i'm pitiful. and i have this middle school crush on the high school hottie. except this time, he's paying attention...
even though john is telling me to "say what i need to say" i'm afraid "my stupid mouth will get me in trouble." and at this point i am having trouble putting my EMOTIONS into words.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
a philosophical conversation on shitting.
lilfu23 (1:10:45 AM): you don't poop?
whitneyquitney (1:11:23 AM): nope never
lilfu23 (1:11:28 AM): sweet
whitneyquitney (1:11:42 AM): i know. it works out in my favor
lilfu23 (1:11:44 AM): that's good cuz we discussed it and we came to the conclusion that you'd hate pooping anyway
whitneyquitney (1:11:48 AM): hahah
lilfu23 (1:11:49 AM): exactly!
whitneyquitney (1:11:56 AM): what was your reasoning?
lilfu23 (1:12:08 AM): there really was none
lilfu23 (1:12:24 AM): we figured you were a love-it-hate-it kinda girl
lilfu23 (1:12:38 AM): so we decided you'd hate pooping
whitneyquitney (1:12:53 AM): you guys were probably just like "whitney is kinda anal (pun intended) so i doubt she would like pooping"
lilfu23 (1:13:08 AM): hahaha yeaa
whitneyquitney (1:13:45 AM): i guess some poops are more pleasant than others
lilfu23 (1:13:57 AM): definitely
whitneyquitney (1:14:16 AM): so i guess i do love some and hate some
lilfu23 (1:14:21 AM): it sucks when you have to push real hard
whitneyquitney (1:14:28 AM): hahahaha
whitneyquitney (1:14:29 AM): agreed
lilfu23 (1:16:23 AM): whitneyyyyyyyy
whitneyquitney (1:16:50 AM): whattttttt?
lilfu23 (1:17:03 AM): pooop
lilfu23 (1:17:41 AM): whitney go poop
whitneyquitney (1:17:44 AM): ppppppppppppooooooooooooopppp
lilfu23 (1:17:57 AM): its ann
whitneyquitney (1:17:57 AM): sorry i am running on empty right now.
you begged for a blog. this is what you get.
whitneyquitney (1:11:23 AM): nope never
lilfu23 (1:11:28 AM): sweet
whitneyquitney (1:11:42 AM): i know. it works out in my favor
lilfu23 (1:11:44 AM): that's good cuz we discussed it and we came to the conclusion that you'd hate pooping anyway
whitneyquitney (1:11:48 AM): hahah
lilfu23 (1:11:49 AM): exactly!
whitneyquitney (1:11:56 AM): what was your reasoning?
lilfu23 (1:12:08 AM): there really was none
lilfu23 (1:12:24 AM): we figured you were a love-it-hate-it kinda girl
lilfu23 (1:12:38 AM): so we decided you'd hate pooping
whitneyquitney (1:12:53 AM): you guys were probably just like "whitney is kinda anal (pun intended) so i doubt she would like pooping"
lilfu23 (1:13:08 AM): hahaha yeaa
whitneyquitney (1:13:45 AM): i guess some poops are more pleasant than others
lilfu23 (1:13:57 AM): definitely
whitneyquitney (1:14:16 AM): so i guess i do love some and hate some
lilfu23 (1:14:21 AM): it sucks when you have to push real hard
whitneyquitney (1:14:28 AM): hahahaha
whitneyquitney (1:14:29 AM): agreed
lilfu23 (1:16:23 AM): whitneyyyyyyyy
whitneyquitney (1:16:50 AM): whattttttt?
lilfu23 (1:17:03 AM): pooop
lilfu23 (1:17:41 AM): whitney go poop
whitneyquitney (1:17:44 AM): ppppppppppppooooooooooooopppp
lilfu23 (1:17:57 AM): its ann
whitneyquitney (1:17:57 AM): sorry i am running on empty right now.
you begged for a blog. this is what you get.
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