so i should be doing my homework.
but i am sitting here, listening to hanson. hanson christmas music. and writing. because it's what i do. and what i wish i could do for the rest of my like.
all i need: eat. sleep. breathe. shower. read. write. screw. music.
and YOU. i could use you. you might come in handy.
i really have nothing else to say.
except that i'm a pig. and i'm starting a diet. in a few minutes...when i finish my chocolate covered pretzels.
and isaac hanson had to have life saving surgery. i think i'll send flowers.
i think i am strong enough to break. i've thought about it. and i think i've tried to be hard for so long. that i've become what i have always pretended to be. and i've cried once since i've been here. once. and you're not allowed to know why. and i wouldnt have if they hadnt forced me to be weak.
i think i'm going to break. because i want to tell you so badly. and i dont know why its you i need to tell. because you're the biggest dick i know. and you'd probably think it was awkward. and feel nothing. but i missed out on that "cry to your girlfriends" gene. its not my thing. so i need you. and i need you to be quiet. and listen. and hug me. and let me cry. and look like an idiot trying to breath and talk and cry and make inhuman sounds. and cry because there are words i cant physically say. an i wont be able to look at you. i guarentee that.
and this conversation. confession. confrontation. may not happen for a long time. or maybe never. and i guess that would be okay. because some one would have to replace you. and then i would be fine. unless they couldnt hear it either.
and to the one i love the most:
i'm sorry that my mistakes became your problems. that was not the intention. and i miss you. and i know what i did was wrong. just know i love you more than anything. they were mistakes you could never recover from. and i knew full well when i made them. and i hope you're happy now, wherever you are.
and sometimes i wonder if you hate me.
4 comments:
All I have to say is that you are much more normal than you think... because nobody likes feeling vulnerable.
And feel free to cry to whoever you want. The whole "crying to your girlfriends" thing isn't that normal... in fact, I've only let a select few see me cry, and it wasn't by choice. The people that I love the most, the people that I trust the most (yes, you.) haven't seen me cry before.
so go ahead and cry on the anonymous person's shoulder, or whoever comes to replace him/she/it.
And feel free to miss whoever you feel like missing, because in the end, we both know that you and I will either be lesbian lovers, or I will go and get a sex change.
so i am not going to cry on shit's shoulder.
I knew you were going to say that.
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