a collection of words

A,

Congratulations on being valedictorian. Even though the school won’t recognize it because of Ms. Murder (may she never become a Mrs. to keep her from all happiness), I recognize all of your hard work. I tried to handwrite your name under valedictorian in as many programs as I could but then Ms. Murder came after me with a knife (well, maybe that’s a lie, but hopefully you’ll keep this letter for a long time. I have this little spark of hope that looking back at it when you’re old, you’ll believe that story). Anyway, I hope you followed all of that.
I am writing you this letter to tell you that you will never be the same person that you were before you walked across that stage (or astroturf field in this case). Suddenly, things you cared so strongly about and drama that kept you up at night no longer matters. In fact, the further away you get from that graduation cap and gown, the less you’ll be able to remember the bad experiences, let alone the reasons behind them. You won’t remember the quarrels. Or the last time you cried. But you will remember the good times. You’ll remember driving all alone with the windows down and John’s voice complimenting the sunshine beaming down on your warm skin. Those moments where if you had to share them with anyone else, they wouldn’t be nearly as great.
However, you already know all of this. What you don’t know is that I admire you with everything I have. I only wish I could be as strong and confident as you seem to be. I wish I could laugh as loudly. I wish I could say what I meant. I wish I could tell a guy to kiss me. TELL being the key word in that sentence. What I really wish I had was your passion for life. Never, ever lose that. Or I might have to kill you.
I am so glad that we became such close friends. Who knew that I would ever hang out with the girl who cut her dolls? Even after she hit me in the face with a rake… bitch. I love that we may not talk every day or get to see each other very often but still pick up right where we left off every time were together. I never laugh so much around anyone else (perhaps why I haven’t met my soulmate). And no one else laughs as much at my jokes.
And now that I have an entire year of college under my belt and badass points for being non-Mormon for about three years longer than you, I will dispense my advice. Do not get caught up in the returned missionary whirlwind. I forbid you to date….okay, I know that’s never going to happen. Slut. Anyway, I know Mormon boys are nice. And smooth. But just remember, (and I know you already know this) you may be committed to this person for your entire life. While I would be fine getting married right out of college and being a stay at home wife, you have drive, ambition, POTENTIAL that is not meant to be wasted “rearing” children. Just leave the rearing to Brennen.
Do not settle. Not only with boys, but with friends also. Don’t force yourself to put up with a Rose when you’re better off by yourself. Surround yourself with people who are understanding and more so, accepting of your sexual desires. A friend who judges you based on your decisions is no friend at all.
W.W.M.M.D. What would Mrs. McCusker do? That should be our new motto in life. Mrs. McCusker was a great teacher because she saw the big picture. She didn’t give Bs in Editor’s Seminar. She never made a permanent judgment on anyone. No matter what wrong you committed, you could earn yourself a clean slate. What goes around comes around, and now, Mrs. McC is relaxing in her garden happily reading a book and drinking tea. Satisfaction and happiness comes to those who treat others kindly and it’s an example I am trying to follow in her path. If all goes as planned, thirty years down the road, Ms. Murder will be fat, bitter, out of work, and alone, eating top ramen in a rotting lazy boy watching the Jerry Springer Show (god forbid it ever go off the air).
Anyway, the reason for this letter is the potential of me not having a gift for you. You graduate in 26 hours and 31 minutes and I have no gift for you and no dolla dolla bills. You bought the damn planner I was going to give to you. So maybe, just maybe, I’ll get the chance to get you an extravagant gift between the time I get my paycheck tomorrow and the time you walk across that stage (hopefully in the sunlight, not the rain). I’ll miss you but I know we’ll keep in touch. Now it is your turn to call and tell me all of the bad decisions you made the night before…or maybe not. But I do expect good stories. And lots of dates, knowing you. Enjoy college. It will be the most fun four years of your life where you’ll find friendships that will last forever, a man you’re stuck with for eternity, and knowledge you’ll never forget.

Love, yes, LOVE,

W

who knew you could make a sound that would make all of my problems go away.

there are those songs. you hear them and you wonder how you ever felt angry or sad or lonely. or you wonder why those were ever bad emotions to feel.

you hear these songs and you suddenly feel content. at peace. for a moment, the crazy world around you slows to a halt. you are neither in control nor powerless. you simply exist.

you are not hot. you are not cold. not that you would be able to feel those things any way.

you arent necessarily happy. but you know everything is going to be okay. and you're petty worries drift out the open window as you entertwine your fingers in the warm air flowing by.

you wonder how you've ever felt any other way.

hey now, we're just bleeding for nothing.
it's hard to breathe when you're standing here on your own.

i just told you i was leaving. and i did for a minute. but i really just didnt want to talk to you anymore. and then you left. and i came back. i was so mad at you. at least i thought i was. but you want to know my real emotions? yes, i have them. i was hurt. you dont think your going to find anyone. but i will do in the meantime? dont use me. i am just your friend. at least i was. i dont know what i am now.

you have no right to get mad when i tell you about my guy situation when i have to listen to you whine about her and indirectly shoot arrows at my heart.

so for now i will just go back to my music. the song that tells me everything is and will always be okay.

the end.

abovetherim4040 (11:22:10 PM): anyways.... im drunk
whitneyquitney (11:22:20 PM): fabulous
whitneyquitney (11:22:35 PM): so tell me your deepest darkest secrets
abovetherim4040 (11:23:20 PM): my ex and all her friends know we hooked up
abovetherim4040 (11:23:35 PM): thats my secret
whitneyquitney (11:24:04 PM): you and...
abovetherim4040 (11:24:15 PM): you
whitneyquitney (11:24:21 PM): oh
whitneyquitney (11:24:30 PM): did you tell them?
abovetherim4040 (11:25:23 PM): no
whitneyquitney (11:25:24 PM): like in the recent past...or a long time ago?
abovetherim4040 (11:25:27 PM): recent
whitneyquitney (11:25:31 PM): then how do they know?
whitneyquitney (11:25:59 PM): bad news bears
abovetherim4040 (11:25:59 PM): i really dont know but she found out
abovetherim4040 (11:26:19 PM): yeah such a guilt trip
whitneyquitney (11:27:02 PM): yeah...
whitneyquitney (11:27:41 PM): sucky
whitneyquitney (11:27:45 PM): for you
abovetherim4040 (11:27:45 PM): yeah i never would have told you that but im drunk
abovetherim4040 (11:27:48 PM): thanks
whitneyquitney (11:27:56 PM): well thanks for telling me
abovetherim4040 (11:28:09 PM): do you feel bad now
abovetherim4040 (11:28:14 PM): if you do, sorry
whitneyquitney (11:29:15 PM): um yeah, i feel sorry for you in your awkward situation
abovetherim4040 (11:30:00 PM): no our unexistant relationship is slowly fading away
abovetherim4040 (11:30:03 PM): but i blame myself
whitneyquitney (11:30:25 PM): nonexistant? with gina?
whitneyquitney (11:30:33 PM): what do you mean you blame your self
abovetherim4040 (11:30:37 PM): well we werent together
abovetherim4040 (11:30:45 PM): i feel like i let her get away i guess
whitneyquitney (11:30:46 PM): yeah...
whitneyquitney (11:31:05 PM): then why dont you tell her that
abovetherim4040 (11:32:25 PM): i do, but i think she just thinks its hopeless because we'll never see eachother
whitneyquitney (11:33:41 PM): is she living in san diego yet?
abovetherim4040 (11:34:26 PM): no but shes living in st louis this summer
whitneyquitney (11:34:46 PM): ew
abovetherim4040 (11:35:15 PM): really
whitneyquitney (11:35:30 PM): you know, if its going to workout, it will works itself out
whitneyquitney (11:35:48 PM): just cause it doesnt work right now doesnt mean it wont later on
abovetherim4040 (11:36:24 PM): yeah but this is like the only time where i feel like she is truely trying to move on with her life
whitneyquitney (11:36:51 PM): move on from you
whitneyquitney (11:36:53 PM): ?
abovetherim4040 (11:37:04 PM): yuuup
whitneyquitney (11:37:09 PM):
abovetherim4040 (11:37:13 PM): and with life
whitneyquitney (11:37:47 PM): you cant expect things to be the same way they were in high school
abovetherim4040 (11:38:40 PM): i guess i just dont see myself meeting anyone
whitneyquitney (11:39:21 PM): ever?
abovetherim4040 (11:40:03 PM): idk, just the way things are going
whitneyquitney (11:40:43 PM): yeah i have thought that for the past two years...
abovetherim4040 (11:41:24 PM):
whitneyquitney (11:41:39 PM): but i am not being all depressed about it...
abovetherim4040 (11:41:40 PM): whyyyyyyyy
abovetherim4040 (11:41:48 PM):
whitneyquitney (11:42:26 PM): with exception to patrick, i just havent felt strongly about anyone...
abovetherim4040 (11:42:48 PM): so you felt strongly about pat huh
whitneyquitney (11:42:58 PM): yeah, blew that one
abovetherim4040 (11:43:35 PM): yeah hes a good guy
whitneyquitney (11:44:17 PM): yeah...i actually have you partially to thank for ending that one
abovetherim4040 (11:44:29 PM): because...
whitneyquitney (11:45:34 PM): he kept saying he thought we had a thing and i kept denying it. and i think i made him think i wasnt interested....and then i invited you to formal
abovetherim4040 (11:46:06 PM): oh i seee how its my fault
whitneyquitney (11:46:15 PM): i didnt say that
abovetherim4040 (11:46:39 PM): i mean basically
whitneyquitney (11:46:55 PM): no it wasnt your fault
whitneyquitney (11:47:26 PM): it ended because he was graduating, us being friends just helped the situation
whitneyquitney (11:48:33 PM): ...
abovetherim4040 (11:48:38 PM): sweet
abovetherim4040 (11:48:42 PM): ?
whitneyquitney (11:49:01 PM): i just wanted you to acknowledge the fact that i wasnt blaming it on you
abovetherim4040 (11:49:09 PM): cool?
whitneyquitney (11:49:16 PM): okay whatever
abovetherim4040 (11:50:29 PM): fjak'shfba
abovetherim4040 (11:50:29 PM): sognaslkvna
abovetherim4040 (11:50:30 PM): sgnasga
abovetherim4040 (11:50:30 PM): sgabsg
abovetherim4040 (11:50:31 PM): asf
abovetherim4040 (11:50:31 PM): asgfas
abovetherim4040 (11:50:32 PM): asfasfw
abovetherim4040 (11:51:57 PM): i miss stuff
whitneyquitney (11:52:05 PM): like?
abovetherim4040 (11:53:04 PM): her

why do you torture me? you're an ass hole.

stalker feed.

i went to your page to tell you about the bumper sticker i had found that would make us both laugh on the inside. but the damn bumper sticker app wasnt working. so i found myself there, yes, being a stalker, looking at your pictures. pictures other people had posted of you. and there they were: you with girl #1, you with more serious girl #2, oh, and then plenty with annoying miss #3.

and i remember why we were always just friends. i click home. leaving no evidence i was ever there.

here's the truth: i like you. i like you a lot. i actually truly have feelings for you. you are not the 5-minute fling with some older man. you are not the emotionless hook-up with the mysterious young lad. you are not the one i make-out with as we dance. in fact, i tried very hard to avoid that with you.

but i can never be with you. i will never try to be with you. i will never tell you how i feel. why? those pictures. you will always have girl #1 through infinity at your right arm. hanging on to your every word. and i cant flirt with you. because that is not what i want from you.

i want to be friends. and friends alone. we dont talk about the serious stuff. politics. life. whether or not we really exist.

we are starting to. talk more. about things like love. and emotions. and feelings. and you want me to share mine to you. you keep prying. and i think you want me to tell you. but i can't. i cannot get up the courage to compete with girl #1 through infinity. i am not "flirtacious and cute" (yes, with a 'c').

i dont want you. you are bad for me. and why now? have you already gone through all the other girls?

i'd rather cringe as you tell me your girl troubles for a million years. than try this out. this you and me. and have it not work out. we arent on the same page. WE ARENT EVEN IN THE SAME BOOK.

and you can council me all you want.

im mad at you for kissing me that night. did you think i expected that? i didnt. and believe me, contrary to what you might think, i didnt want it. have you used that move on many other girls? girls #1 through infinity? well, you like to deny #3, but i dont believe it.

more on this later.

and this is what he wrote to me:

The best thing you can find in someone is chemistry. Just, things that click. You say something subtly funny in a group, and that other person looks at you with a shine in their eye. You know they really understand. Even if other people laugh, you know that one other person not only gets the humor, but also the intention.I think that's what I miss the most. Even if I don't see you for months, we hang out one time and we just click. I feel like I can be myself, without facade. I really just like the way I feel when you're around, ya know?Somewhere beyond ex-best friends. That connection is what I miss the most. Even though we've both changed I think we'd still have it.Sometimes I wonder if we are still meant to be. In a wondering way, not in a necessarily hoping way. Just like, what if that is how things worked themselves out. It would be cool. Something to write home about.I like feeling comfortable. The way that without meaning to, we just fall into that flirtatious, sarcastic, "best-friend" groove.It's cool. I wish we could do it more often.Heh.

I don't know what I feel. I do miss you. I miss hanging out with you. I miss making you smile, whiping your tears.Do I miss BEING with you? No. You don't either. I know it, you know it. We both fucked up, and fucked each other up.I know I wasn't there for you when I needed to be, when you needed me the most. You have NO idea how sorry I am for that. I will always regret it.Am I regretting how things are now? Not exactly. I'm regretting how things have to be. That there will never be that possibility. Or if there is, I don't know it exists.Am I OVER you? No, hah. Not for a long time to go. I still have dreams about you. And when I say still, I mean pretty much every time after we talk. Not "bad" dreams, just dreams. Like, hanging out laughing dreams. Like, you taking care of me when I feel like shit dreams.I still love you, but I'm not in love with you. I'll never say "I love you," in any seriousness. At least not until you say it first, which you won't. Ever. And I respect that.But before you try to say I haven't changed. You don't know me any more. I don't know you, or at least not like I used to. I am a very different creature than the one I used to be. You're a big part of that. I'm a big part of that. WE are a big part of that.And I'm mostly okay with it. There are things I still hate about myself. Things I don't know how to change, or delete. Things that scare me. Things that scare the SHIT out of me.I still have scars. Maybe some aren't as deep as yours, maybe some are deeper. I can't forgive myself, still. Can you believe that? Not even like a getting over it forgiveness. Like, I don't see myself ever forgiving myself. And, myself, I'm scared. Shmehh.

and i can hear him saying this. i can hear him and i dont know what to think. and he named it after our song. not our song. but the one we both knew by heart and shared. and just understood.

i will be the one who breaks your heart.

damn you and my stupid addiction.

i knew this was going to happen. now i want you. before i didnt. i want to lay next to you again. i want to warm my fingers on your bare skin. they're cold. i'm cold. and now the only way i know how to get warm is to be wrapped in your arms.

and i want to tell you about me.

i knew this would be a problem as soon as you put your arm around me on the bus that night. i was going to stop it. it was a part of the plan.

but now thats a sunk cost. i missed my oppurtunity. and when you asked me what was wrong. i should have told you. but im not very good at sharing my feelings. and then i fell asleep. thats the unfortunate part of being mindfucked at 7:30 am.

so now it is my turn to mindfuck you. and i will. i will drag you on. lead you on. i will do it and you wont know what hit you. and ill have you on a leash....ill just need to make sure that leash isnt attached to my neck too.

and then ill drop you. and youll be completely lost.

...or at least thats the plan.

sorry, i'm not prepared to handle your mind fuck.

i can't handle you. i knew i should have stopped it. i didnt want it to happen because i knew it would lead to this. me. being completely messed up. spacing out in class. walking slowly. being oblivious to all else in the world. not caring about things that would normally mean everything.

and messing up us. us, being the state we had finally reached where we dont argue or judge. and that point where i finally didnt care anymore.

this is what i meant to say. but it didnt come out. between the kissing and the cuddling. and i think it couldnt escape because i have been craving the comfort of being held for so long now. and not being held like i was a few weeks ago. or friday night. but the kind of being held where the person really knows who you are. and cares about you. and your well being. and so the words, these crucial words, were bound inside me. i dont think they ever had the chance.

"i dont think i can do this. i'm not sure i want things to change. i dont want to mess this up. what we have is amazing. this friendship. this strange understanding. and if this is just going to be a one time thing. if i am your rebound girl. this can't happen. its either all or nothing."

all or nothing. and right now, the plan is nothing.