and this is what he wrote to me:

The best thing you can find in someone is chemistry. Just, things that click. You say something subtly funny in a group, and that other person looks at you with a shine in their eye. You know they really understand. Even if other people laugh, you know that one other person not only gets the humor, but also the intention.I think that's what I miss the most. Even if I don't see you for months, we hang out one time and we just click. I feel like I can be myself, without facade. I really just like the way I feel when you're around, ya know?Somewhere beyond ex-best friends. That connection is what I miss the most. Even though we've both changed I think we'd still have it.Sometimes I wonder if we are still meant to be. In a wondering way, not in a necessarily hoping way. Just like, what if that is how things worked themselves out. It would be cool. Something to write home about.I like feeling comfortable. The way that without meaning to, we just fall into that flirtatious, sarcastic, "best-friend" groove.It's cool. I wish we could do it more often.Heh.

I don't know what I feel. I do miss you. I miss hanging out with you. I miss making you smile, whiping your tears.Do I miss BEING with you? No. You don't either. I know it, you know it. We both fucked up, and fucked each other up.I know I wasn't there for you when I needed to be, when you needed me the most. You have NO idea how sorry I am for that. I will always regret it.Am I regretting how things are now? Not exactly. I'm regretting how things have to be. That there will never be that possibility. Or if there is, I don't know it exists.Am I OVER you? No, hah. Not for a long time to go. I still have dreams about you. And when I say still, I mean pretty much every time after we talk. Not "bad" dreams, just dreams. Like, hanging out laughing dreams. Like, you taking care of me when I feel like shit dreams.I still love you, but I'm not in love with you. I'll never say "I love you," in any seriousness. At least not until you say it first, which you won't. Ever. And I respect that.But before you try to say I haven't changed. You don't know me any more. I don't know you, or at least not like I used to. I am a very different creature than the one I used to be. You're a big part of that. I'm a big part of that. WE are a big part of that.And I'm mostly okay with it. There are things I still hate about myself. Things I don't know how to change, or delete. Things that scare me. Things that scare the SHIT out of me.I still have scars. Maybe some aren't as deep as yours, maybe some are deeper. I can't forgive myself, still. Can you believe that? Not even like a getting over it forgiveness. Like, I don't see myself ever forgiving myself. And, myself, I'm scared. Shmehh.

and i can hear him saying this. i can hear him and i dont know what to think. and he named it after our song. not our song. but the one we both knew by heart and shared. and just understood.