all. i see. are PORK SWORDS.

and i dont get how i can sit here and write things to you (not you, other you) and act like everything between us is okay. and i dont get how you can sit there and comprehend the things i say and do and not realize that its over.

"it" being that very short lived thing. that thing that i said i didnt want to be a relationship. that thing that you said "we'll just see where it goes." and i assumed we would. but you really meant "let's spend every waking moment together and talk twenty times a day."

dont get me wrong. some girls like that. but i'm not that type of girl. sometimes i even question the amount of estrogen inside of me. during those months i go without crying. i begin to think my heart is no longer pumping blood, but hardening cement into my veins. making a strong barrier to guard my vulnerability.

and it's not you (previous you) who i want to break it. in fact, you may have indirectly fed the poison to my vessels.

and everytime i talk to you (other you, undesired but effective). i can feel the sledgehammer slowly crumbling the concrete that guards my soul. and what sucks is that this sledging is unintentional.

had it in fact been intentional, it likely wouldnt have worked. because i only seem to like the unhealthy. the unintentional. and i think your looks may play a factor into that.

and to the old you. i heard our song today. one i dont hear much anymore. not our starting song. but our ending song. the one you left me with. that reminds me of the kiss i left you with. and i question who left who in that situation. and judging the current situation: i was definitely the leaver. and you, the leavee.

and i know i should reply to your inquiry but i dont know what to say. i have no idea. and despite the easy flow of our conversations, i am at a loss for words. and for that i am sorry.

and you, whom i have been neglecting. yes, you. we will go to europe. and believe me. it will be hard. resisting those jeans that cry to me. "whitney! buy me!" they will plead.

but i will resist. for you.

and we should start in italy. that way we can claim the most of our attention spans. we will have brief expendetures in rome and venice. and the travel to madrid, spain. where we will likely accomplish bucket list item: kiss foriegn boy. and then we'll leave those latin lovers in the dust on our way to paris. and we'll climb to the top (start exersizing now) of the eiffel tower and later examine the loure for hours.

and then we may be off to germany. and then london, a great place to end our adventure. where ambi will get drunk. and may we both go too far with a sexy english boy who's only intention is to take complete advantage of us. but will then fall in undeniable love. until we leave that is. then their only way to contact us until we return in the distant future is through long and intricate love letters. saying not the things you want to hear. but the things he really means.

and i'll leave you on that lovely thought, my dear.