you know what's more intimidating than their obsession with jessica simpson or carmen electra? their love for natalie portman. who you can't hate. whose got that natural beauty thing going on. yes, thats right, i still remember your natalie portman obsession. sad right?
but it sticks with you. no, i dont care that you fantasize over some sex symbol that i am glad i'm not. i care when you see the good in people. when you love the natural. reject the fake. and when you like the great girls. the ones i cant get myself to hate.
and now i dont care if you're reading this right now. because i think we've defied ever awkward and difficult situation in the books.
and here's to the rest of you, mostly original from Men's Health, but edited where necessary.
50 Things She Wishes You Knew
Universal truths that all men should--but don't--understand
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. Gifts are your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes will do the trick.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a.) ...having a fat day. b.) ...not feeling "connected" to you. c.) ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
25. Edited content.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
30. I want to be Madonna.
31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
41. I love it when you're sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
44. I like porn.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
so who's going to watch you die?
it's an interesting way to prioritize. is that bad to base my life around death? think about it. If, before you made every decision in your life, you asked yourself: will i regret not doing this when i am about to die? or will this be important by the time i die?
and that "life-flashing-before-your-eyes" thing? apparently its real. but in shaded of blue. and when my life flashes quickly before my eyes, what is it that i will remember? it wont be the D on my physics test. it wont be that trivial argument we got in last week. hell, it wont even be that huge fight we got in in middle school. It wont be the fact that i've never been pulled over. or the countless times i blew my curfew.
no. i will remember our times down on the river. and that time we DIDNT skinny dip. and the time when other you and i did. and i proceed to flash my girl parts to everyone.
and i'll remember my puppy. and i'll remember volleyball and track and how they corrupted me. and how i corrupted you. and i'll remember the time we sat on the beach despite the sound of the tsunami warning. not because everyone else was staying. but because we were together. and together, we're invincible.
and i will remember CMU. i'll remember grey's night. and the night we shared secrets. and i'll remember bus rides. who could forget? and i'll remember back in the good old days how i got the best roommate ever.
and i wont just remember the good times. i'll remember the trials. our trial. but i'll realize how strong it has made me. and i'll take comfort in knowing i'll be with you soon.
and when i am with you, everything will be fine. because together we will be invincible. and i will never sacrifice you, compromise you, or take you forgranted.
so who's going to watch you die? who's going to watch me die?
you, dedicated bffn, i know you'll be there. you are the kindest most sypathetic individual i know. and i know you would drop everything to be with me. so despite the stress you place upon yourself, i truly believe you have your priorities in check. thats because i am first on you list of priorities, right?
and you, other bff. you'll be there too. no doubt about it. and you will take my mind off of it. because you are the most energetic person i know. and together we may beat the odds: we might cry. despite the lack of teasrs escaping our eyes the last time i left. you'd send me flowers and probably know exactly what to bring me: york peppermint patties and a cosmo.
you, unreachable, taken you: you'll come. because despite your efforts to be bad ass. you're a great guy. and you would make me laugh.
and you, my old you. you will come. but the pressure will be too much. you'll cry like usually. and i'll try to cry like i used to.
and you, undesired but irresistable you, you might come. maybe once. but i sort of think it might scare you. not in a pussy way. but i think it would be too much.
and you, fu you: i am pretty sure you would come. multiple times. and A you would probabkly tag along when you could.
and official best roommate ever: you would be there. and you'd make me laugh too. we'd laugh about annoying kid and perfect girl and hermione and briere's drawrs, idears, alwahs, and now dorings. we'd laugh, i'm sure of it.
and i am sure that you too would come visit me. or so you tell yourself.
and that "life-flashing-before-your-eyes" thing? apparently its real. but in shaded of blue. and when my life flashes quickly before my eyes, what is it that i will remember? it wont be the D on my physics test. it wont be that trivial argument we got in last week. hell, it wont even be that huge fight we got in in middle school. It wont be the fact that i've never been pulled over. or the countless times i blew my curfew.
no. i will remember our times down on the river. and that time we DIDNT skinny dip. and the time when other you and i did. and i proceed to flash my girl parts to everyone.
and i'll remember my puppy. and i'll remember volleyball and track and how they corrupted me. and how i corrupted you. and i'll remember the time we sat on the beach despite the sound of the tsunami warning. not because everyone else was staying. but because we were together. and together, we're invincible.
and i will remember CMU. i'll remember grey's night. and the night we shared secrets. and i'll remember bus rides. who could forget? and i'll remember back in the good old days how i got the best roommate ever.
and i wont just remember the good times. i'll remember the trials. our trial. but i'll realize how strong it has made me. and i'll take comfort in knowing i'll be with you soon.
and when i am with you, everything will be fine. because together we will be invincible. and i will never sacrifice you, compromise you, or take you forgranted.
so who's going to watch you die? who's going to watch me die?
you, dedicated bffn, i know you'll be there. you are the kindest most sypathetic individual i know. and i know you would drop everything to be with me. so despite the stress you place upon yourself, i truly believe you have your priorities in check. thats because i am first on you list of priorities, right?
and you, other bff. you'll be there too. no doubt about it. and you will take my mind off of it. because you are the most energetic person i know. and together we may beat the odds: we might cry. despite the lack of teasrs escaping our eyes the last time i left. you'd send me flowers and probably know exactly what to bring me: york peppermint patties and a cosmo.
you, unreachable, taken you: you'll come. because despite your efforts to be bad ass. you're a great guy. and you would make me laugh.
and you, my old you. you will come. but the pressure will be too much. you'll cry like usually. and i'll try to cry like i used to.
and you, undesired but irresistable you, you might come. maybe once. but i sort of think it might scare you. not in a pussy way. but i think it would be too much.
and you, fu you: i am pretty sure you would come. multiple times. and A you would probabkly tag along when you could.
and official best roommate ever: you would be there. and you'd make me laugh too. we'd laugh about annoying kid and perfect girl and hermione and briere's drawrs, idears, alwahs, and now dorings. we'd laugh, i'm sure of it.
and i am sure that you too would come visit me. or so you tell yourself.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
sweaty pits and heavy petting: this is only a sequel to that thing called high school.
12:01 i'm writing the essay that determines a fourth of my GPA. i'm producing excess saliva that tastes of dark chocolate m&ms and sugar cookies. christmas lights lines my bed. i dont feel warm or cold. i dont feel anything.
12:03 procrastinating the essay the determines a fourth of my GPA. deciding i need to put on comfier underwear to go to bed. listening to the conversations that surround me.
12:05 thinking about how people could potentially be reading this. and i dont know who they are. and therefore i shouldnt say some of the things i do. so i remove the notes from my facebook.
12:08 contemplating winter break with my roomfellows. who apparently will experience TSS over break? my condolences.
12:03 procrastinating the essay the determines a fourth of my GPA. deciding i need to put on comfier underwear to go to bed. listening to the conversations that surround me.
12:05 thinking about how people could potentially be reading this. and i dont know who they are. and therefore i shouldnt say some of the things i do. so i remove the notes from my facebook.
12:08 contemplating winter break with my roomfellows. who apparently will experience TSS over break? my condolences.
Friday, November 23, 2007
amongst vending machines and old magazines, in a place where we only say good bye, as the tv entertained itself...
it snowed today. big flakes. white. pure. frequent. unaltered. untouched.
there is something bigger you know? than measily quarrels. and frivolous crushes. and passing whims.
and why do we associate white with pure? isnt white a mix of every color in nature? and if this white is a mix of every color, does that make us as a whole pure? not at all. but it is amazing to think each snowflake, no matter how small. contains every color imaginable.
but still, when we think white, we think pure. and not much can be done to change that. what people think of something. what people think of us.
at first i am the awkward girl. then i am the blunt girl. then i am the funny girl. then i am the emotionless girl. then i am the boring girl. and no one gets past that. well, you did. but we like to pretend that didnt happen. when we talk about the girl you love. but you knew i wasn't awkward. or blunt. or funny. or emotionless. or boring.
but that is what they think. and i am fine with that. that's the girl i pretend to be. i dont know why. cause these traits i aquire aren't exactly desirable. but it is who i chose to be to you.
there is something bigger you know? than measily quarrels. and frivolous crushes. and passing whims.
and why do we associate white with pure? isnt white a mix of every color in nature? and if this white is a mix of every color, does that make us as a whole pure? not at all. but it is amazing to think each snowflake, no matter how small. contains every color imaginable.
but still, when we think white, we think pure. and not much can be done to change that. what people think of something. what people think of us.
at first i am the awkward girl. then i am the blunt girl. then i am the funny girl. then i am the emotionless girl. then i am the boring girl. and no one gets past that. well, you did. but we like to pretend that didnt happen. when we talk about the girl you love. but you knew i wasn't awkward. or blunt. or funny. or emotionless. or boring.
but that is what they think. and i am fine with that. that's the girl i pretend to be. i dont know why. cause these traits i aquire aren't exactly desirable. but it is who i chose to be to you.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
and when i see you....i really see you upside down
but my mind knows better. it picks you up and turns you around.
i'm thankful too. for a lot of things. and i have really small insignificant problems. well i really can't think of many.
but i am thankful. so thankful. for:
i'm thankful too. for a lot of things. and i have really small insignificant problems. well i really can't think of many.
but i am thankful. so thankful. for:
- my fam- miss 'em as much as i pretend not to miss anything.
- rachael's fam- for taking me in
- my roommate- who's awesome.
- my friends at home- who keep me informed on the happenings of the homelife and remind why i love sherwood.
- food- i think i am loosing weight here. these people dont eat often enough.
- my lovely readership- the best morman ever.
- books and magazines- which make life more interesting
- almond roca- for making me fat and happy
- my college friends- who made this whole new experience amazing and siginificantly less terrifying.
- bitter people- who let you know that things could always be worse than they are.
- christmas lights- which remind me of the happiest, warmest memories of completeness where i need nothing but the fam.
- my little baby pup- whom i miss more than anything on the west coast.
- fall- which makes the cold much more bearable.
- my lack of ass- which makes me significantly less whore-ish.
- john mayer- who understands all that has to do with life, love, and other mysteries.
- the color purple- which is unique and deep but fun.
- blogging- which gives me an amazing outlet for this emo side of me. probably clouding your sense of me as the strong, emotionless rock.
- piano playing- which makes me feel like everything in the world will be alright in the end. those songs that go on forever. and have their ups and down. and just when you think they are about to end, they pick up again, stronger than before. and they remind you of yourself. and you smile.
and now onto the hot mess of stuff that get's my panties in a bunch but really isnt that bad:
- not getting to go home- because i just want to drive that familiar drive to starbucks and sit down with my friends. and laugh over thanksgiving dinner with my fam. and cuddle with my dog who love more than anything else as i fall asleep.
- not having anything in the world i love more than cuddling with my dog- i'd like for this hole to be filled with a person. and i realize that takes time. perhaps a lifetime. but i want it now. i want it back.
- fat- and it is my own fault. because i am too lazy to workout. so that is my post thanksgiving resolution. yep. and sticking to it.
- my weakness for bad guys- it needs to stop because i win great guys. hell one of my best guy friends is the GREATEST guy ever. like perfect. and i am not attracted to that. WHY!!??!!??
and these are my issues. but i'm losing any sleep over them. i have no control over them. there is no point in this world in worrying. it wastes time for action.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
just because i'm sorry, doesn't mean i didnt enjoy everything.
and i think i'm falling. despite my efforts to keep a grip on the edge.
and i'd even rather think of you, you with the girlfriend. you who is so happily taken. you who i love to spend time with. you who makes me laugh. but you werent the one who pried my fingers of the cliff, sending me plunging endlessly to the next plateau.
no it was him, you. who i love to hate. you who makes me so mad. you who pisses me off to the point of laughter. you who i know i shouldnt have feelings for. you who is such a taker it isnt even funny. you who could flirt with a rock if it were female. you who makes me feel like shit. you who makes me awkward. and lose all sense of confidence.
you who i cant stand not being around.
you who said "love you" and didnt manage to make me sick to my stomach. you who i try my hardest not to flirt with. or seem desperate. but i am. so desperate. you who suggested we make pessimistic babies together. because we have "a different way of love."
the you who i didnt talk to today making it the first day since we got to pittsburgh. you who will "let me know" if your pissed off at me or not. you who tells me the most awkward things that i pretend i dont want to know. but i do.
i want to know everything you have to say. i want to be the one you need. i want to be the one who pries your fingers off the edge, sending you plunging into me.
but it wont happen. and i cant let it. i cant put up with you.
and i'd rather dream about the other you, the unreachable you, but i can't because you, bad you, keep popping into my dreams, my thoughts, my life.
and so my goal for this weekend and beyond: i wont make an effort. i'll wait for you. and if you dont come through. i'll give up.
and to my dedicated you. whom i've been neglecting as a result of my lathargic thoughts. it's okay to be bitter. more than okay. just remember everyone deserves for something good to happen to them. and i hate to try and be old and wise, but i used to be like you are. bitter. but sometimes people need for these things to happen for them. and maybe you're one of them. and i am really ready to be one of them.
but first i need to quit looking.
and you, bad you, the one all of my friends hate. i just talked to you. making us talk. today. keeping our daily conversation alive. and things you say confuse me. but you already knew that.
and i'd even rather think of you, you with the girlfriend. you who is so happily taken. you who i love to spend time with. you who makes me laugh. but you werent the one who pried my fingers of the cliff, sending me plunging endlessly to the next plateau.
no it was him, you. who i love to hate. you who makes me so mad. you who pisses me off to the point of laughter. you who i know i shouldnt have feelings for. you who is such a taker it isnt even funny. you who could flirt with a rock if it were female. you who makes me feel like shit. you who makes me awkward. and lose all sense of confidence.
you who i cant stand not being around.
you who said "love you" and didnt manage to make me sick to my stomach. you who i try my hardest not to flirt with. or seem desperate. but i am. so desperate. you who suggested we make pessimistic babies together. because we have "a different way of love."
the you who i didnt talk to today making it the first day since we got to pittsburgh. you who will "let me know" if your pissed off at me or not. you who tells me the most awkward things that i pretend i dont want to know. but i do.
i want to know everything you have to say. i want to be the one you need. i want to be the one who pries your fingers off the edge, sending you plunging into me.
but it wont happen. and i cant let it. i cant put up with you.
and i'd rather dream about the other you, the unreachable you, but i can't because you, bad you, keep popping into my dreams, my thoughts, my life.
and so my goal for this weekend and beyond: i wont make an effort. i'll wait for you. and if you dont come through. i'll give up.
and to my dedicated you. whom i've been neglecting as a result of my lathargic thoughts. it's okay to be bitter. more than okay. just remember everyone deserves for something good to happen to them. and i hate to try and be old and wise, but i used to be like you are. bitter. but sometimes people need for these things to happen for them. and maybe you're one of them. and i am really ready to be one of them.
but first i need to quit looking.
and you, bad you, the one all of my friends hate. i just talked to you. making us talk. today. keeping our daily conversation alive. and things you say confuse me. but you already knew that.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
dude, i think you're confused about my person
i need to do some homework. just to let you know. but instead i am here, writing to you, my sole fan. the only reader encouraging my abitious writing career.
i have other readers. well one other: the reader of my essays, professor space cadet. who does everything but encourage my writing. she likes to butcher the hell out of it. to the point where it is her paper, not mine. i wish grades were based on grammar. because then i would be dominating the hell out of interp, carnegie mellon, life. i wish life was based on grammar. i could do that. although i pusposely disregard all sense of good grammar in this blog. but only with the sole purpose of sticking it to the man. heer u go man suk it.
who is the man? thats what i really want to know. who exactly am i sticking it to? you're guess is as good as mine.
rachael's going on a date tonight. i want to go on a date. not with ted. or jarome. or my taken person. (okay well, maybe the last one.) or the other boy who stole my attention. only for me to realize we are soooo not meant for each other.
and i am kind of happy about where attention-stealing boy and i stand. friends. and he tells me about his girls. i'm sure i could tell him about my boys if there were such objects of my affection. (but there aren't).
and now that i have wasted away the six hours that i have been awake. i'm here to tell you: it is okay to think about him. i thought about my ex-person for two years. TWO YEARS. and my middle name is "i-have-no-emotions."
i have fat hands. they look like little kid hands sometimes. well magnified by a thousand. and i wish they could be that innocent.
to ben berry: you have a nice name. and a nice face. you're a sexy man. you were cute back in the day when i had innocent hands. you probably dont remember me. i think we were like 14. but i have some odd reccollection of you and i dont know why.
i have other readers. well one other: the reader of my essays, professor space cadet. who does everything but encourage my writing. she likes to butcher the hell out of it. to the point where it is her paper, not mine. i wish grades were based on grammar. because then i would be dominating the hell out of interp, carnegie mellon, life. i wish life was based on grammar. i could do that. although i pusposely disregard all sense of good grammar in this blog. but only with the sole purpose of sticking it to the man. heer u go man suk it.
who is the man? thats what i really want to know. who exactly am i sticking it to? you're guess is as good as mine.
rachael's going on a date tonight. i want to go on a date. not with ted. or jarome. or my taken person. (okay well, maybe the last one.) or the other boy who stole my attention. only for me to realize we are soooo not meant for each other.
and i am kind of happy about where attention-stealing boy and i stand. friends. and he tells me about his girls. i'm sure i could tell him about my boys if there were such objects of my affection. (but there aren't).
and now that i have wasted away the six hours that i have been awake. i'm here to tell you: it is okay to think about him. i thought about my ex-person for two years. TWO YEARS. and my middle name is "i-have-no-emotions."
i have fat hands. they look like little kid hands sometimes. well magnified by a thousand. and i wish they could be that innocent.
to ben berry: you have a nice name. and a nice face. you're a sexy man. you were cute back in the day when i had innocent hands. you probably dont remember me. i think we were like 14. but i have some odd reccollection of you and i dont know why.
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