someday, someone will come into your life and you'll realize why it never worked out with any one else.

(i turned on the emo music to get me in the mood for this one).

i am ready to fall in love.

i dont know if it will happen with him. i mean, how could i? we've only had two measily, slightly embarrassing excursions. both lacking action. both subject to my lack of flirty ability. i dont know if its there. but i want to it be.

and thats what scares me. am i trying to convince myself that i like him? am i just crushing because he's older? (which i have found to be a complete and utter turn-on. don't ask me why). or am i crushing because he is the first guy to actually try to get to know me before he tries to bed me? or maybe the fact that he hasn't tried to get in my pants.

but i find him intruiging. and i am crushing. hardcore.

it may not be head over heels. or that cant-breath, cant-sleep, cant-eat, cant-focus kind of love. but i could be.

and i find myself reconsidering everything i say. everything i wear. everything i eat. and i'll put on a something cute, just in case, by chance, this will be the first time i ever run into him on campus.

so is this what it is like to have emotions?

i'm scared to see what happens when we get back. when i get back. will he call? will he still be interested? was i too boring?

these questions are absolutely killing me.

i find it absolutely amazing how two incredibly uneventful evenings with this fellow has caused for all other prospects to immediately escape my mind.

and you know he is perfect for me right. he plays just the kind of game that keeps me engaged. he was aggressive. he asked me out. and then waited for me to be the one to give in and respond first. then he asked me to go out again. and was completely casual. i mean nothing gets more casual than a good trip to home depot.

and then he waits. he does nothing. and i am going absolutely crazy. it's not my turn to give in. but i know i will because i have already planned my next attempt at communication. how pitiful is that???

i'm pitiful. and i have this middle school crush on the high school hottie. except this time, he's paying attention...

even though john is telling me to "say what i need to say" i'm afraid "my stupid mouth will get me in trouble." and at this point i am having trouble putting my EMOTIONS into words.